Domino Effect

The day it all came crashing down all around me
I knew all along what was going on
But I tried to believe it wasn't true,
That you would be the one person I could trust
That you were different somehow...
I felt a connection but kept you at bay
I was slowly letting go, believing you were real
Then it was over...you revealed who you really were
It hurts me to think I ever trusted you
It breaks my very soul that I looked up to you...
Once upon a time, not very long ago,
I thought you were real, my ice was thawing....
How could you disappoint me so?
I thought this was different...then it started
The first hit was harsh, then when it finally hit me
I looked up and saw where I had gone wrong...
It started at the top and rolled on down
So hard, then it piled up....I came up for air....
This is so typical...harsh, cruel world....domino effect.

Déjà Vu

A torrent of voices heard across the still brook

Ripples of water flowing over the pebbles and broken rocks

A myriad of birds singing their daily news

Beams of sunlight warm the boulder upon which I rest

I look out over the mountain-tops and down to the valley below me

I see the streams of water, the fallen leaves upon the ground

I close my eyes and breathe in the warmth of the sun, the smell of earth

My hands run across the ruggedness of the rock, feeling every crevice and ridge

I’ve been here before but maybe in another life-time

I recall the feeling, the wonder of it all, and I’m not afraid.

Maybe I was scared before, of the height, the depth, the existence,

But now, fear is my enemy, warmth and peace take its spot.

Leaning back, I look up at the clouds and smile as the breeze rustles through my hair…

I know this feeling, it’s not an illusion… it’s a miracle taken place, a dream come true

Gazing again at what lay ahead, I understand what the mystery entailed, history was written…

In this very spot, hundreds of years before and I lived it….déjà vu…

 

 

This is ME

      My name is Elizabeth Hamm....I am me...I am a writer, a muser, a thinker, an author. My words flow like the sea...my words cease from being. At times they fly like the wind....other times, they are frozen like the tundra. I am a lover, loyal, free, strong and random....I won't fight unless it's for someone I love or what I believe in with my whole heart. I hate angry words. I hate sinister conversations. I despise confrontation. If I feel like I'm being threatened, I shut down like an electric generator on empty. If I don't know how to respond, I am silent. If I know you are irritated or upset, I feel this sudden need to make sure you are calm and feeling better. If you are crying, I am a shoulder to lean on. I never feel it's the wrong time to cry. I never see you as a failure just because you make a mistake. I am my biggest critic, and I'm sure I punish myself more than you ever could. I have this need to help the broken, to fix the lost, to restore the out of service. I listen with everything I have, and you have no doubt I care. I explain myself over and over until you begin to think I am apologizing, but in reality, I am just trying to convey what I'm thinking. I am silent....I am shy. In social gatherings, I listen, observe, smile, stand still. I have the ability to be adventurous and random, to laugh until I am crying and to make everyone around me laugh with the same fervor. I am goal-oriented, but sometimes I become side-tracked. I will get back on track if motivated, and often-times, I am self-motivated. I write poetry at random times and share them with my best friend until I'm sure she is rolling her eyes like, "Another one, Liz?" (just kidding!) I imagine what life would be like if I made certain decisions, and that I make those things happen. I used to sit still...for a while I was stagnant. I was afraid to move for fear everything would fall apart, but in doing so, I was slowly drifting away. I may be the quietest one in the room, but in reality, I know I probably have the most to say. I would have to say that I am romantic at heart, and that with time, that hasn't changed. Each and every day that I am married to the greatest man on earth, I thank my God for bringing him to me. He has patience and understanding and a sense of humor not many can forget. He is my other half, and I am sure we have many adventures ahead of us. My kids make me proud...my daughter is the greatest gift of a girl God could have ever given me. She has shown me what it means to love. Her smile and her heart are convicting. My son is the brightest boy with the biggest eyes and a heart to match. He challenges me and the most like me, it's scary. I am who I am, but I am a work in progress...a canvass not completed. If I have ever loved you, I will always love you. If I ever was your friend, I will be your friend until the end. I am ME.

Never Have to Say Good-bye

       This earth is just a temporary place
       Where we live and love and laugh
       You lived here with such a grace
       So loved until your final breath...
       You suffered heart-ache, found love and joy
       Through life, you travelled far
       All with a smile that radiated light
       Your presence, we all adored...
       You fought a good fight, you finished your race
       You kept on loving God
       The peace you had, with others, you shared
       We are thankful on this earth, you trod...
       We never have to say good-bye
       For you've reached the other shore
       Our tears are just temporary ones
       We love you forever more...
       You're walking streets of gold up there
       You've seen our Saviour's face
       Your loved ones who have gone before
       You've seen, their pain erased...
       We'll see you later, over there
       Our work down here's not done
       We'll miss you sorely, your precious smile,
       Your new life has just begun.

*written for Grandma Ruth R. Garten, gone on to her new home, 3/28/13

On Friendships and LOVE

       Sometimes I can't let go of certain things. I have struggled with rejection and not being good enough. The "great deceiver" has made sure of that, and I have not realized it until recently. I never understood why I always kept a "kungfu" grip on things such as relationships. It all started when we first moved away when I was 10 years old. When we moved back to my childhood home, my friends from birth were different, as was I. I was able to pick up where we left off, but they weren't. They didn't want me as a part of "their group." It hurt me to my core because I was among a small group of people. Without them, I had NO ONE. While we lived away, I was able to become friends with my family. Throughout my teen years, I had mediocre friendships. There was alot of turmoil within them because as they pointed out to me later in life, they were terribly jealous of me. I had them turning on me like a pit-bull always trying to either get me in trouble or keep others away from me, "shunning me" in the process. I was able to put off an "aura" of confidence and they were jealous of that. They hated the fact that I wouldn't back down either. I fought for right, and I defended those who were misunderstood. I confronted most of them, and didn't use tact in telling them what they were doing and how they needed to stop. Looking back, I was fighting fire with fire and not water. It was a losing battle. If I had just learned to let go early on and walked in love, the turmoil would've eventually ceased. When I think back to that "era" in my life, I find it necessary to write about, not only for me and my healing process, but also for some of you who are reading this. Maybe you will find a peace much earlier in life than I did.
       It wasn't until I went away to college that I found true friendship. People who loved me for me and put no stipulations on me. They didn't care about my life, past or how I was. I was still pretty messed up relationship-wise, but I had one undying characteristic, I was loyal and I loved deeply. When I say I had a hard time with friendships, I mean just that. I didn't know how to be a friend to someone. I was always worried they would soon reject me as well. That soon, I wouldn't  be good enough for them. That I wouldn't fit it with their "group." I soon found out that I was wrong. Looking back, I made some amazing friendships.
       Oh, yes, I had some who became jealous of me and my boyfriend. I had some who felt the need to spread nasty rumors about me...some who felt the need to corner me in the bathroom and threaten my life. Those were dark days. Those were days where I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered why these people turned on me like pit-bulls. I had loved them with all of my heart, and I had done nothing to them. Yes, I retaliated some when I was attacked. No, I didn't walk in love because I didn't know how and hadn't learned that concept. Yes, I chased a girl down and told her to stop the rumors because she didn't know what she was talking about. No, I wasn't very "Christ-like" in doing so. I turned people in for destroying my belongings, for stealing my stuff, for using my phone minutes and jacking my phone bill through the roof, etc.
       But I also had the type of friendships that will stay with me through eternity. I had loyal friends who loved me and we understood each other. I didn't have to hide myself from them. Looking back, I see that the ones who were constantly trying to hurt me were never truly my friends. They were mere acquaintances. Hind-sight tells me that I had alot to learn.
        Years later, I haven't made a massive amount of friendships, but the ones I have made have either phased out or remained strong. I found good people who didn't grow up like I did who still was able to love me for me and all of the mess that surrounded me. I found that it was okay to become friends with all kinds of people, young and old.      
       I've had a very good friend of mine pass away three years ago. I called her "Grandma Mae." I loved her very much, and we became best friends. I remember when I received the news that she passed on. I fell to my knees in disbelief. She had told me the Sunday previously that she was "ready to go Home." I just laughed and told her she was silly and she had many years left. I still remember how she smiled and patted my hands, knowingly.
       Since then, I made a few more friendships that are amazing and fulfilling. I don't have to hide myself, and I know they we love each other unconditionally. One of those friendships, I refer to as my "Anne of Green Gables friendship." We are "bosom friends." We get each other. We have fought like sisters and moved on.
       More recently, I re-connected with someone I knew in college, and we have found a connection. We wish we lived closer to each other, but as life has it, we don't. We have gone through a similar experience in life, and we understand the repercussions from it.
       All of this to come to my final conclusion. Some friendships have to come to an end, for now. I don't really believe in "ending a friendship." I'm sorry if you disagree, for you see, I can never stop loving a person even when they are long gone. They may say the meanest things to me, but in the end, I love them. I am hurt, yes, but I love them all the same. Why? I have a gift of seeing past all of that hurt and mean words. I can see the good...I can remember the good times. I treasure the memories with them. I have to walk away....for now. Yes, I have been told, "Stop contacting me." I respect that. I will stop contacting you, but I will never stop loving you. I have been told, "I pray that you will find and understand the error of your ways." Yes, I will find and understand them  because slowly but surely, my eyes are being opened to TRUTH. It isn't what they mean when they say that to me, but in reality, my life isn't their journey. I will always love them, but I have to walk away for now, loving them, caring about them, and yes, maybe one day we can re-connect. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I will never let go of being loyal and yes, walking that LOVE walk.

Bless the Lord

       I will have to say that quite a bit has been thrown my way within the last 10 years of my life. I can actually keep going back farther than that, but to be honest, most of the trials in my life started as soon as I graduated from college and began living on my own. I have had many things happen to where I could've chosen to turn my back on God. There were very dark moments when I was angry with Him and blamed Him for everything. It was then that I truly didn't know God very well but knew only what I had been taught, that He was this "big scary being that we dare not cross least he kill us." That is silly in hind-sight, but if you grew up like me, you will understand completely what I am saying. I would walk around in fear all of the time. I cared too much what others thought of me, and that ran into caring what God thought. But I hadn't really learned to think for myself, and I hadn't really read what God's Word said about God, how He is a just God, slow to anger and generous in mercy. Oh, yes, I did read it but I believed what someone told me rather than taking God at His Word.
       Through these past 10 years, I have been on a true spiritual journey, and this journey continues with great force even as I write this. I have found that I can now get over a "curve-ball" in life far faster than I have in the past. I can quickly seek out the good in a situation at a much greater pace than before. Just this weekend, I had to be reminded that forgiveness isn't all about the person but for me. Yes, it is right to apologize when you have wronged someone. Yes, it is very right to forgive a person who has done you wrong, but the truth of the matter is, they don't need my forgiveness....I need to forgive for my own spirit. To hold onto something  for so long truly dampens your spirit and stops all growth. Soon you are stagnant and oppressed and it spills over into other areas of your life. I know because I have been down that road. I have lived in unforgiveness for years. It did me no good whatsoever. In turn, I wasn't hurting those people who had wronged me. They didn't even know I hadn't forgiven them! They weren't losing sleep or being harmed! I was harming myself and those around me with my negativity!
       Just this week, I was thrown a "curve-ball," and all I have to say on the matter is I worked through it, prayed and now am over it. Yes, it still "smarts" a little bit because of what it was. I can really sit here and tell you how sad I am that a certain dream of mine has been put on hold, but I choose to focus on the positive and give many reasons that this was "meant for good."
    I will end with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Alone

       I sit here alone, deep in my thoughts
No one to enter, no one to exit
       Musings all my own
No one to listen, no one to see
       I'm in my own little bubble of my own making
No one to penetrate, no one to label
       It's not attention or self-pity I need
It's not sympathy or words of care coming my way
       You shake your head as if you don't understand
You roll your eyes as if it's enough
       You can't pretend to really grab ahold
You don't see what I see, you don't feel what I feel
       You aren't inside my head
You aren't the face of one who dreads
       The pity and helplessness all must paint
Have you forgotten that we are but dust?
       Have you remembered we all sin and we lust?
We each place our shoes upon our own feet
       And the paths that we travel, each other we meet
So, look down your noses and wrinkle your brow
       Your pity and nonchalance make me sad somehow
For you don't know a thing about loving someone
       For if you did, half the battle would be won.
I sit here in silence, I sit here in alone
        It's okay that I do this, my heart isn't stone
I have much to muse and I have much to say
       But the one thing I know is that it'll all be ok.