Kids Say the FUNNIEST Things!

       While driving my kids home from school, I decided to ask my oldest, Charity, if she was in trouble in school today. She replied, "No, Mommy! I was good!" I asked her again if she had a paper for me to sign. She kind of changed her tune to, "I'm sorry, Mommy...please, don't take my bear when we get home." I laughed a little and took the paper she handed me which firmly stated she lost 2 minutes from her recess for 1. shouting out in class and 2. not remaining in her seat...I kept my eyes on the road as I asked her, "Why are you shouting out in class? Are you the teacher?" Charity quickly responded with, "I don't know what's wrong with me, Mommy!" She sighed really big and sounded sad...I told her that nothing was wrong with her but it was unacceptable to be hollering, shouting or even talking in class to which she quickly replied, "I can't help it, Mommy! The shouting won't stay in my mouth! It comes right out, and I can't stop it! I don't think I drank enough water today!" It took all I could to not burst into hysterical laughter! I had a comedian in the back seat of my car! Needless to say, Charity lost her bear for the day as is the rule when she talks in class. Before she went to bed tonight, she gave me a big hug and kiss and said, "Mommy, I have to be good tomorrow! I have to get my bear back!"

Navy Blue

       Have you ever dreamed in color? I often do, and I can describe my feelings or dreams in color...today was a "navy blue" kind of day. As I sit here, I dream in blue...navy blue to me is a not as dark as black but almost there...I can honestly say that I'd love to dream in lime green again or even in orange because then my world would be bright and colorful. Today, it's in blue...a deep, deep blue. I'm not depressed nor am I sad...it's hard to describe my true feelings. I'm not non-chalant...I'm beginning to think I'm just "deep" today. I know that I miss my family as I do most every Sunday...Sunday reminds me of growing up...of the days my daddy took me and my sister to church when my mom was at work. It reminds me of the time he helped with communion and specifically told me I wasn't old enough to take it...but I did anyway...:) Sunday reminds me of walking to the church every single Sunday afternoon around 4:30 to get the choir books ready...it reminds me of my LOVE for music and always singing and playing the piano all hours of the day. Sunday reminds me of Ianazones pizza, drying dishes with my sis, reading til I fell asleep then waking up only to do it all over again. Sunday reminds me of waking up super early to deliver my paper route so I could make it to church to ride my bus route....Sunday reminds me of the Sunday I was proposed to on the bus, getting to church and almost fainting because I didn't want to tell my parents. Sunday makes me think of sitting on a wooden pew: Dad, Mom, Sam, Jo then me....hearing about the mischief from a previous Thursday night and seeing both of my parents look down the pew at me in disbelief while I wanted to slide under the pew and disappear forever. Sunday reminds me of the many fellowships in the evening when we'd stay and eat and fellowship until really really late...of the many secrets that took place that stay in my memory. So, I sit here and remember and am BLUE...tomorrow, I wish for GREEN....happiness and as much belief that Sundays past will forever stay in my heart.

My Journey

       This has been a long journey, my health and all. I have to say that it has been on my mind since I was about 17, and I really don't want to pass that down to my own daughter. I will conquer this once and for all. I know that I have blogged over and over about this subject, but I am learning more things about myself in the past weeks and months of my life. I have learned that no one will help me with this like I want them to. I have learned that I can't blame anyone but myself. I have learned that most of the time I am not hungry or unmotivated, but I choose to take the "easy way out." I do know that, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I look at some women in my life who have conquered this thing, and I tip my hat off to them. I also know that I refuse to give up. Yes, statements like, "You looked good," and "What did you do last time?" really get under my skin but it makes me mad enough to do something about this. I have been exercising more than I did a year ago, I do know that. I hurt afterwards, but I know that it's because I work so hard. I have lost 4 pounds this past week, but I know that that is just the beginning.
       Along with this journey is a spiritual journey that I continue to travel. I know that I have in no way arrived, but I also know that I am farther than I was a year ago. I am thankful for Godly parents who pray for me because God's grace is amazing in my life. I am thankful that I had the privilege to grow up in a Christian home because clearly it has been engraved in my heart. I can't go a single Sunday without going to church, and if I do miss, I feel like something is missing. Just going into the house of God, worshipping in His presence, makes the worries of the week fade into the background. I know that there is so much to learn in this life. I also know that I long to continue to be a witness for Him. I really miss singing. Music was/is my life. I sang constantly and played the piano. I was learning the guitar but kind of got away from that. I think that music has a healing power, and I know that for a fact as it has found it's healing power through the words that touch my heart.
        This is just the beginning of my journey. This is just a scratch off of the surface into my everyday life. I know that I am a work in progress, but I also know that I have and do obtain my goals. I have in the past, and I will continue to do so.

Reflection

       From about Saturday evening until this moment, I've been having an inner, personel struggle. No one knows but God, Himself...I stumbled upon this song on Sunday evening, and I've been playing it over and over again, singing along with an earnestness, only I understand. I long to feel His embrace, to know He is with me all of the time, and in fact, He is...I often try to pretend I can "do this life" all by myself and when that happens, I begin feeling so lost...we were not made to live this life alone...we were not made to be independent but to be co-dependent on Him, the ONE who made us. Until we recognize that fact, we will stumble and continue to fall and feel all alone in this world. Until we acknowledge that we are in fact NOT alone, and we cannot heal from all of our pain and sorrow on our own, we will continue to drown in our own sorrow and smother in the bed we created. I lose myself so many times, but in the end, I realize I'm not really lost....I just forgot to look behind me. Behind me and within, I have the ultimate map to this life. Within, I have the strength capable of doing anything I set my sights on and my dreams and desires will fall into place.
       "I can feel your presence here with me, suddenly I'm lost within your beauty. Caught up in the wonder of your touch, here in this moment I surrender. I surrender to your grace, I surrender to the one who took my place."

A New Perspective

    I watched the movie Soul Surfer the other day with a friend of mine, and a statement still rings clear in my head today..."Sometimes, you need a new perspective..." After being attacked by the shark that took off her arm, Bethany questioned, "Why me?" I admire the courage and faith she portrayed through this attack. Just last night, I was not attacked by a shark but I was attacked verbally. I may not have been injured and lost a limb, but feelings have to heal as well. I am working at not taking what people say to me to heart...to differentiate truth from fiction is a major goal in my life at this present moment. I don't have to take your words to heart especially if you are a broken person inside. Hurting people hurt people. Sometimes we are too close to a situation and we need to take a step back and get a "new perspective." Up close, it may seem like this person is something else, but if we just take a minute to stand back and examine the whole situation, we may see what we've been missing. And so, today, I sit here writing as I get ready for another day at my job (which I love, by the way) and instead of gearing up for more abuse, I've decided to just love these girls. That's all they want...they want a voice, to be heard, and they want to be loved with all of their faults. Today, I'm taking on a new perspective.

Starting Over

       For as long as I can remember, I've battled the great battle known to most Americans, weight...This is a touchy subject for anyone. I think that this subject has been on the for-front of my mind since I was about 14. That's an awful long time to have something haunt you. I could go on and on about how everything went down-hill and where everything went wrong, but that doesn't change the present. It doesn't make anything better or justify where I am now in my life. All I know is that I am so ready for this battle to be over once and for all. I'm ready to take a step forward for good and never look back. I'm ready to be healthy and strong along with in shape. If you've never been where I am, then you don't understand. I know a few people who look at people like me and roll their eyes, saying things like, "You would be in shape and not eat wrong things if you truly love yourself." That is a true statement for sure, but some people just don't understand because they've never been where I am. They've never known a day of struggle. They will continue to look down their noses at people until they take a good look in the mirror and realize that the inside is just as important than the outside. But that's not all this is about....I could sit here and write about the very hurtful things people have told me...some just don't get that words are like swords that stick deeper than a blade. But I've decided to work on loving myself. If I truly love myself, I will take care of myself. It's not prideful to take pride in your body. It's not wrong to look in the mirror and call yourself beautiful. It's not vain to feel good about yourself. So, starting today, no one can help me but me. My friends can't save me, my kids can't save me, and my husband can't save me....I am the only one who can save me. I've decided today to START OVER. It's not ok to mess up....it's no longer ok to just eat a little bit of this or that....it's not a-ok to drink that because it's just a little bit. Excuses mean nothing anymore....there is no room for excuse because my life depends on it. I'm not waiting til I'm told by my doctor that either I do this or my health is gone. I can't wait for all of that. I've already had many a health problem in the past, and I'm just done. I'm done feeling bad for myself; so, don't feel badly for me. I wouldn't look at somebody and tell them how ugly and fat they are; so, I am no longer allowed to look in the mirror and do that to myself. I would NEVER tell someone they are a failure in life....I am no longer allowed to say that to myself. I don't practice hating others, but make it a part of me to love them....it's time to LOVE ME. Here's to starting over...

A Little of This and That

       I have come to the conclusion that at this very moment in time, I feel as if I have nothing left to give. I've given and given of myself only to feel as if the reservoir has run dry. I don't feel selfish...only a sense of sadness as I look at what I've given and done in the past 16 months of my life. I enjoy helping others, but sometimes it grows old giving and giving and giving of yourself only to see that what you've done or thought you've done is thrown to the wind. Is it even possible to feel a sense of accomplishment in the line of work I do?  There has to be something because I don't do this for me anyway, but when I see those who don't want to move forward with life but instead say things like, " I really don't care," and you know that they mean it, you begin to wonder what in the world am I doing? 
       So, I look at my own two kids and I see that they are the most precious treasures in my life...a resource of true LOVE. They open my eyes to the reality of family, friendship and a source of self-worth. When I look into my daughter's eyes, I see a confident person....when I hold my son, I feel a deep unconditional love. They are so oblivious to this cold, dark world that we live in. They have no idea what it feels like to be stabbed in the back or lied to on a regular basis. In fact, I call these the "innocent years" that they are now living. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time when the only thing I worried about was when I had to come inside because it was too dark out to play, where I lived in a "dream world" of playing and acting out books with my sister, where the only thing that was on my mind was what I was doing at the current moment....I didn't have to worry about the future or even recall what I did in the past. I think we, as adults, spend too much time thinking about the past and focusing on the future....we forget what it's like to be a kid and just worry about right now, the moment, this present state...
        My mind is so tired right now and my heart is heavy....I have so much to think about but I think that a good night's rest will soothe my saddened soul...

True JUSTICE

       I feel the need to say your name

       With angry sighs and great disdain

       For how can you a human be

       Walking tall, and almost free

       You will not be forever be free

       For in your own chains you will be

       Bound by lies you dare to speak

       It's true justice we all will seek

       How can you stand there like a stone

       And barely a tear or emotion is shown

       How can you live with this monster inside

       Knowing that your own baby has died?

       You only show what you want to be seen

       But truth be told your soul isn't clean

       You knew that your dear baby had died

       Yet partied and acted like she's by your side

You think you're not guilty with lies thrown around

Yet your little Caylee is still in the ground

One day you will meet the ultimate JUDGE

And from the real verdict, He will not budge

For that is when true JUSTICE is served

No jury will be making you unnerved

And you cannot run for your fate will be sealed

The TRUTH will make these mortal wounds healed.

*About the sad Casey Anthony trial...had to get my thoughts on paper and move on...

      

For Those Who Cannot Speak

       I am a person with feelings too
          I may be small but I have dreams
       I love you with all of my little heart
         And although it always seems
       You don't want me around
          All I want to do is make you proud...

       I have small hands and a small feet
         A small nose and tiny ears
               When I laugh, it's at you and those near
         For you are my whole life
       And I don't even feel your strife...

            I don't know why you don't want me
        You are my everything
      Yet, you don't want me near
         I only want your true love
       I was given to you from above...

       I want to rest in sweet peace
         But I hope you can eventually too
       For I never did anything to you
         To make you hate me
        I only said, "I love you, Mommy!"
         But I don't think you saw me...

       I want to say I forgive you,Mom
          I only wanted you to love me
       Even though you didn't want me
          I want to place my hand in yours
       As we rest between the stars...


*while thinking about the Casey Anthony-trial...RIP Cailey Marie Anthony

      

Loyalty

       I have to say that I've been through alot of junk these past few months. Not only have people lied blatantly to my face, but also, people I thought I could trust truly showed me their real colors. In fact, as a young teenager, I would've put my face to the sky and said, "I'll never trust another soul." But I am not that teenager, but am an adult much to everyone's dismay. There are things that some people would like me to remember to my grave, but I feel in my heart that mistakes are to be learned from and life must move on. If you truly want to dredge up my failures and drag through the mud to make yourself feel better, then be my guest. I know deep in my heart that I need to move on, and move on with life I will. I look happily into the sunset and see a brighter future, a clearer tomorrow because all the gloom and sadness you brought into my life will but vanish from sight. I realize that people are brought into your life to test what you really are as a person. I must say that I have failed the test quite a few times, and the next time it is revealed, I plan on passing. I have confirmed my wounded spirit and call it healed. I know who I am and what I am capable of in this life. I know that words are powerful and can destroy and bring life. I choose to bring life to whoever crosses my path and the destruction that has once shattered my dreams will be rebuilt stronger than before. Yes, I have cried some tears as I am only human. Yes, I have raged in disbelief as I was in a weaker state of mind. I couldn't believe that someone could look me straight in the eyes and lie so boldly. I couldn't fathom believing in my heart that someone I trusted could in turn stab me in the back. But then, why couldn't they? Are we all but human who make decisions either out of fear or anger? Mostly decisions based on any type of feeling are wrong decisions. So, I say to you, I forgive you. I forgive you because I know deep inside you are a better person than you think. I know that you are capable of so much. I know that you were at your weakest moment. I know that someday you will look back and regret everything you did and you will need me as a friend. I can't turn my back on you. You see, there is something about me you don't realize nor understand fully. Once I am your friend, no matter where this life takes me or you, I will forever remain your friend. Yes, I have felt the pain on your betrayal. Yes, I have cried many tears, but know this, I forgive you...and I love you, my friend.

The Next Step

       Just this past Wednesday, my princess, Charity Joy, graduated from kindergarten with the most improved student in her class. This year has been a journey for us all, but God gave her an awesome teacher and helper. I think we were all beside ourselves at first, but Charity really matured this year and showed us all just how smart she is. She has such a passion for writing, even now. I think she may be taking after me in that part. I see so many papers laying around the house with her writing all over them. I never once doubted her ability to learn because I knew that she had a passion in her heart. I think she just struggled with the fact that she wanted to have EVERY answer right the first time and a mistake in her mind was the end of the world....so she froze. That smile, that she wears every single day of her life, is the sweetest smile I've ever experienced. Her smile in itself tells the whole world, "I'm beautiful inside and out." Charity knows no stranger as she would talk to everyone if I let her...I believe I've taught her well though to not talk to strangers. :)
       I believe with my whole heart that she is my angel...God gave her to me right when I thought life couldn't get any worse. She was my light in the darkest of my days. When I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel, I'd just look in her crib and watch her sleep. She was a sign of peace when there was turmoil...a source of love when there was hate. I named her the right name...CHARITY for the LOVE she brought my heart and JOY for the great joy she brought and brings to us all. I still remember the "surreal" feeling I felt when I first set my eyes on her little red face as her chin quivered and she cried as she entered this world. My mother's heart instantly loved her more than anything.
       Her never ending energy often frustrated me because I didn't know how to keep her entertained. Josh, my hubby, helped me alot in understanding her in that sense. He said he was that way when he was little...never ending energizer bunny! :) I'm not frustrated anymore as I've grown to understand that she is so creative with her hands. As long as she is doing some kind of craft or work, that girl is happy. As long as her hands are busy, she is calm.
       Now, onto the next step in her life....I know she will shine in whatever she does. I have faith that she will continue to excel as she has the same thirst for knowledge that I have. I love you, Charity Joy, and I'm so very proud of my princess.
      

When Faith Becomes Reality

       When you close your eyes while on this earth
         And open them above
       Your faith becomes reality
         As you see your Savior's love.

       You enter past the pearly gates
         What you see is more than read
       Your faith becomes reality
         While on those streets you tread.

       It's more than mind can fathom
         Far greater than words can paint
       Your faith becomes reality
         When you meet up with the saints.

       You stand before your Savior
         Then bow before His throne
       Your faith becomes reality
         It's by His grace alone.

       So, weep dear friends and loved ones
         But do not cry for long
       One day your faith will come to light
         And you'll join the saints with song.

*Dedicated to one of America's most gifted musicians, Rick Bartel. What you have taught and left behind will forever be remembered by many. We'll see you again someday.

      

Reflections

       I often come to places in my life where I sit back and reflect on my past memories and future dreams. I've been doing that alot lately. It truly seems like a lifetime ago that I was a teenager going through life wondering when I could be "free" from what I thought was smothering me. I then went off to college and wanted to be "free" from myself as I saw myself. I was always striving to please others around me especially the people I looked up to the most. I felt that I was constantly letting people down because I didn't do this or that. You would think that I would've gotten into a world of trouble with that mentality, but I really didn't. Instead, I was caught up in a web of "approval addiction." I distinctly remember crying myself to sleep at night because I was so torn as to who to please the most never once thinking that this is pure craziness. You can't please everyone, and you most definitely won't. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it all different. I would be pleasing myself and my God while all others looked up to me. I have gained a sense of confidence in the past year knowing that I have the ability to change my life and the possibilities are endless of what I can do. I know that whatever I put my mind to will be done, and I know that and goal I set, I can achieve. I couldn't go through life without my God. He has made me stronger and more confident. We all mess up and make mistakes...it's just what we do afterwards that counts. We may have to pay a price, but if we just learn from our mistakes and help others, that's all that matters. Learn to walk the "love walk" and others will see you as different than everyone else. These are just a few of my reflections this time around...

The BIG WIND

       On May 31, 1985, I was awakened in the middle of the night by my mom who told me to get up and put on my socks and shoes. I could hear the wind whipping around our house, and I was afraid of thunderstorms to begin with; so, I immediately began to panick inside. I vaguely remember my dad ushering me, my mom and my baby sister down to our basement, and after he knew we were safe, he went upstairs out on our porch. By this time, my heart was pounding so loud, I could barely breathe, and my mom was as calm as could be as was my baby sister, Jo, who was only 3 months old and sound asleep in her little carseat. My dad came downstairs and prayed with us, and by then my knees were knocking together, I was so scared. My parents re-call me asking over and over again, "Where's the big wind? Are we going to be ok from the big wind?" I remember hearing what sounded like a freight train barreling over our house. I was so scared because I knew we didn't have any trains nearby, and I couldn't figure out what in the world the noise was. Later on, my mom told me that it was "the big wind" I was so afraid of. This tornado actually went over our house and touched down in a town nearby, demolishing a fire house, gas station and cemetary. My dad was out on the porch for most of the storm just watching the clouds. I remember that night and it had such an impact on my life, I decided to do one of my school reports on tornados. Tornados scared the daylights out of me because they seemed like this giant monster that man can't control.
       I remember watching, as a teenager, movies such as Twister, over and over again, in wonderment of these "storm-chasers" who actually lived to chase these monsters. To see the damage that can be done, clearly shows us that this is something that only can be controlled by a Higher Power. How could you research these storms and not believe in a mighty God and His creation?
       Last night was such a blurr to me...I don't know if I would've woken up because I was in such a deep sleep but when Josh, my husband woke me, I immediately became alert as I heard the storm whipping up outside. I could feel my heart begin to pound in my ears as I ushered my kids to the basement. Josh kept telling me to lay down on the bed he had made up for me and the kids, and all I could think was, he obviously doesn't know a mom very well because a mom will NOT go to sleep until she knows all is calm and her kids are safe. I sat on the edge of the bed "protecting them" and visualizing what I would do if a tornado did hit. At this time, I did not know that his parents were hit earlier in the night. It wasn't until I lay down that he decided to text it to me so as to not scare Charity and JW. I immediately jumped up again  and paced the floor. By then, the tornado warnings were up for our area, and I could feel my heart in my throat and my knees begin to knock, but I refused to say out loud just how scared I was. Here it was 26 years later, and this time, I was the mom and my two kids were watching me. I tried to comfort them and make them comfortable but I think they sensed the storm as we could still hear it in the basement. I didn't sleep all night...I only slept from midnight to 3 AM before the storm hit us. Then, even after the alerts were gone, I couldn't close my eyes without seeing images of disaster in my mind and wondering if our family had a roof over their heads as I was laying in a dry place. I felt guilty going to sleep knowing that I had family who was among devastation.
       After seeing the pictures of the devastation in Glade Spring, I know that God sent His protection to my family. There are no other explanations for it. Seeing the damage and wondering how in the world people survived that is unbelievable. I just have this peace that passes all understanding that God is in control and He takes care of His own. Thank you, Jesus, for my family and their safety. I don't have to fear "The Big Wind" because I know the God who is much greater than His creation.

Memories Still My Aching Heart

        I think, we as humans, don't want to see our loved ones move out of this world, but we, as Christians, know that this world is not our home, but Heaven is our final resting place. It's still hard to see someone we love move away; we miss them, not only because they are gone from our presence, but also because we don't know when our walk down here will end. In the past 30 years of my life, I have seen many end their walk down here, many of whom I loved as my own family. And, although, I am human and have shed many tears, I have that hope that I will see them all again. That in itself is a comfort.
        Some of my best friends have been up in years, but it didn't bother me because they have a wisdom beyond my years. I have endless memories of sunny days spent on a porch swing just talking "about the good old days," playing piano duets with one the greatest pianists I have ever known, Grandma Bobbi, and most recently, long talks in the kitchen of Grandma Mae. I spent endless hours with Grandma Bobbi, playing Scrabble, her favorite game, playing the piano, her favorite instrument, and talking. I'd often ride my bike to her house after my paper route was over or my homework was done in high school. She watched me grow up and often spoke of the time she babysat me while my parents went to an adult outing at church. Her favorite story was of me singing, "Zacchaeus was a wee little man and a wee little man was he...." I have no recollection of this event, but she reminded me every single time I came to visit. I would sit for hours at her piano, attempting to play songs too hard for my ability, but she was always the words of encouragement. We often played duets and just took turns playing the piano. When I received the news that she went Home, I was out of state in college. I had no way of going home to the funeral; all I had were the memories of which I am thankful.
        In the last several years, I have had the opportunity to meet yet another dear saint who became a close friend of mine, Grandma Mae. She never was able to have biological children, but she was blessed with more children and grandchildren than anyone I know. She loved my kids like her own grand kids, and would often "tear up" when I had to leave, walking me to my car and often standing at my window, talking away, hoping we could stay longer. Last year when she was in the hospital, my kids picked out a white, stuffed Easter bunny and had me give it to her. It meant the world to her, and every time she saw the kids, she'd say to them, "My Easter bunny is waiting for you on my couch; when are going to come and see him?" She kept everything anyone ever gave to her, and every time I'd visit her, she'd take the time to show me even if she had already showed me everything. After this past Christmas, she had ALL of her gifts from various people stacked on her couch, and we spent quite a long time going through everything and she'd have a story for each gift all the way to a pair of socks she swore she'd "never wear, but you should take them honey because they look more like your style."
        This past Sunday evening, I had an awesome "last talk" with Grandma Mae, and it was like she was trying to tell me "good-bye." I believe she already knew deep in her heart that it wouldn't be long. I laughed and said, "Don't talk like that! You're still young...what are you now, 25?" She just smiled and patted my hand. I asked her when her birthday was because she NEVER would tell me before. She told me it was past, January 23. I told her I'd be getting her a gift soon. She smiled again and gave me a big bear hug and told me she loved me.
        Wednesday evening, I heard the news she had finally gone Home. I didn't know it would affect me like it did, but I felt a deep ache in my heart. But, as I was walking outside around sunset last night, I looked at the sky and knew she was in the presence of our Lord and Earth was the farthest thing from her mind. It was selfish for me to want her back here. She was re-united with her husband, family members who had gone before and friends, but more importantly with the Christ who rose from the grave over 2000 years ago.
        I haven't told Charity and JW yet, Grandma Mae, but I will, I promise. They can treasure those memories with you, jumping in your leaves, playing with your stuffed animals, and the piles of junk food. I love you, and I'll see you again on the other side.