Looking in the mirror, I am very proud of my heritage and I would like very much to rise up and speak to the world and tell them exactly who I am. It's not really for them to know, but a sort of exercise for my own sake, to show myself that it's ok to step into the light and speak out for what I believe. I have no problem telling those closest to me how I am feeling. Sometimes I do go too far with my unsought advice, but those who know me, know that it comes from a heart of love and care. I would never intentionally hurt others as I have been hurt through the years.
My earliest memories of being told that I was too out-spoken was when I was only 4 years old! I remember standing up to an adult telling them they shouldn't talk that way to a little girl. The adult looked at me like I had 4 heads and told me to live up to the expectations of my father being in a position at church. I then remember throughout the years standing up for those who were underprivileged, and then there came a point where what I had to say didn't really matter anymore. I was told that I had to come from a bad home or experience something horrific to really matter. I remember trying to be heard, and I would do ridiculous things trying to be noticed.
The adults in my life wouldn't believe that I was behind the ridiculous stunts but would blame others around me. That was a huge disappointment to me because I wanted to heard even if it was in a negative light. I realize that sounds twisted to some degree, but looking back, I just see a girl who wanted her voice to be heard. There came a point where I stopped trying to be seen and heard, and I retreated within myself keeping most of what I thought and felt buried deeply inside my being. I even chose what I wanted to do in my life because I thought it would make all of those around me happy. I fully didn't make a decision based on who I really was, but God knew what was happening as I delved into the world of obtaining a degree in secondary education majoring in English and music. Those were my passions, and to this day, music screams when words aren't enough and words are just my life as I pursue my writing career.
To some, I am perceived as a quiet, meek girl and to others, I can be seen as sweet and innocent and easily run over....but I would like to tell you who I am inside:
When the tears run down your face
I can feel the pain that dwells inside
Sometimes I hold back
But all I want to do is hold your hand
I want to grab the pain that caused your tears
And throw it out into the universe...
When injustice is served, I want to be your defender
Because you may not have a voice
But I can prove you don't deserve hate...
When you sit in silence
I want to scream, I know what you are feeling
Because it's where I once lived
Stiff and afraid of being who I really am...
When you say I am living a lie
I want to scream, "Then do you really know me?"
I may not walk the road you wish for me
I may not live up to your expectations
But I know love....
Love for mankind, love for creation, love for the universe...
I am an advocate, a servant, a healer of broken hearts
My drive in life is to break the very fears that once threatened
To break my soul
Not only within me but in my children and others who walk
Where I once walked....
I am driven to speak truth where fear is present
And show others that perfect LOVE casts out fear...
Any fear you may possess
Any voice that screams it's not worth it,
I will whisper into the darkness
That it's really ok...
The bondage and chains that have bogged you down
Afraid of showing your heart
Afraid of following your passions
Afraid of falling in love
Afraid of trusting again
Afraid of life....
There is only one way for it all to fall away
To shatter into a thousand pieces.
Speak what you are afraid of the most
But don't say you are afraid
Scream what you are hiding
But don't continue to hide within the shadows.....
So, I tell you with an open heart that it's ok to tell the world that you care. It's ok to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. It's ok to care about someone even if they shove you away. It's ok to tell someone what they are saying to you is heard but not accepted. You don't have to take abuse of any kind. You don't have to live in fear of who you really are. You can be who you want to be. You can influence so many by just speaking out. In a day and age where bullying runs rampant in the schools and even in the workplace, it's ok to say something. Don't be afraid of somebody and how they present themselves. Don't be afraid to tell someone that what is being done is wrong; don't be afraid to set boundaries and stick to your guns. Don't be afraid to fall in love. Don't be afraid to trust again even if you have been hurt by a multitude of people. I have been there. I have experienced bullying all through school and in work places. I rarely stood up for myself. I allowed it to happen and retreated deep within myself. I saw my sister stand up for herself and others and she was perceived as a rebel who couldn't shut up. I see her as brave and unafraid to be who she was. Looking back, I should've protected her better. I should never have allowed what happened to her happen. To the people who thought they were fulfilling God's plan, you are wrong! You were bullies! You thought you could bully your way through my family! I am not angry at you, but I am now aware of who you really were. I can now turn away and step out of the shadows and be who I really am, be who I once was at the age of 4 standing up for that little girl.