Sometimes I can't let go of certain things. I have struggled with rejection and not being good enough. The "great deceiver" has made sure of that, and I have not realized it until recently. I never understood why I always kept a "kungfu" grip on things such as relationships. It all started when we first moved away when I was 10 years old. When we moved back to my childhood home, my friends from birth were different, as was I. I was able to pick up where we left off, but they weren't. They didn't want me as a part of "their group." It hurt me to my core because I was among a small group of people. Without them, I had NO ONE. While we lived away, I was able to become friends with my family. Throughout my teen years, I had mediocre friendships. There was alot of turmoil within them because as they pointed out to me later in life, they were terribly jealous of me. I had them turning on me like a pit-bull always trying to either get me in trouble or keep others away from me, "shunning me" in the process. I was able to put off an "aura" of confidence and they were jealous of that. They hated the fact that I wouldn't back down either. I fought for right, and I defended those who were misunderstood. I confronted most of them, and didn't use tact in telling them what they were doing and how they needed to stop. Looking back, I was fighting fire with fire and not water. It was a losing battle. If I had just learned to let go early on and walked in love, the turmoil would've eventually ceased. When I think back to that "era" in my life, I find it necessary to write about, not only for me and my healing process, but also for some of you who are reading this. Maybe you will find a peace much earlier in life than I did.
It wasn't until I went away to college that I found true friendship. People who loved me for me and put no stipulations on me. They didn't care about my life, past or how I was. I was still pretty messed up relationship-wise, but I had one undying characteristic, I was loyal and I loved deeply. When I say I had a hard time with friendships, I mean just that. I didn't know how to be a friend to someone. I was always worried they would soon reject me as well. That soon, I wouldn't be good enough for them. That I wouldn't fit it with their "group." I soon found out that I was wrong. Looking back, I made some amazing friendships.
Oh, yes, I had some who became jealous of me and my boyfriend. I had some who felt the need to spread nasty rumors about me...some who felt the need to corner me in the bathroom and threaten my life. Those were dark days. Those were days where I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered why these people turned on me like pit-bulls. I had loved them with all of my heart, and I had done nothing to them. Yes, I retaliated some when I was attacked. No, I didn't walk in love because I didn't know how and hadn't learned that concept. Yes, I chased a girl down and told her to stop the rumors because she didn't know what she was talking about. No, I wasn't very "Christ-like" in doing so. I turned people in for destroying my belongings, for stealing my stuff, for using my phone minutes and jacking my phone bill through the roof, etc.
But I also had the type of friendships that will stay with me through eternity. I had loyal friends who loved me and we understood each other. I didn't have to hide myself from them. Looking back, I see that the ones who were constantly trying to hurt me were never truly my friends. They were mere acquaintances. Hind-sight tells me that I had alot to learn.
Years later, I haven't made a massive amount of friendships, but the ones I have made have either phased out or remained strong. I found good people who didn't grow up like I did who still was able to love me for me and all of the mess that surrounded me. I found that it was okay to become friends with all kinds of people, young and old.
I've had a very good friend of mine pass away three years ago. I called her "Grandma Mae." I loved her very much, and we became best friends. I remember when I received the news that she passed on. I fell to my knees in disbelief. She had told me the Sunday previously that she was "ready to go Home." I just laughed and told her she was silly and she had many years left. I still remember how she smiled and patted my hands, knowingly.
Since then, I made a few more friendships that are amazing and fulfilling. I don't have to hide myself, and I know they we love each other unconditionally. One of those friendships, I refer to as my "Anne of Green Gables friendship." We are "bosom friends." We get each other. We have fought like sisters and moved on.
More recently, I re-connected with someone I knew in college, and we have found a connection. We wish we lived closer to each other, but as life has it, we don't. We have gone through a similar experience in life, and we understand the repercussions from it.
All of this to come to my final conclusion. Some friendships have to come to an end, for now. I don't really believe in "ending a friendship." I'm sorry if you disagree, for you see, I can never stop loving a person even when they are long gone. They may say the meanest things to me, but in the end, I love them. I am hurt, yes, but I love them all the same. Why? I have a gift of seeing past all of that hurt and mean words. I can see the good...I can remember the good times. I treasure the memories with them. I have to walk away....for now. Yes, I have been told, "Stop contacting me." I respect that. I will stop contacting you, but I will never stop loving you. I have been told, "I pray that you will find and understand the error of your ways." Yes, I will find and understand them because slowly but surely, my eyes are being opened to TRUTH. It isn't what they mean when they say that to me, but in reality, my life isn't their journey. I will always love them, but I have to walk away for now, loving them, caring about them, and yes, maybe one day we can re-connect. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I will never let go of being loyal and yes, walking that LOVE walk.
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