Seriously, Why?

       If you are reading this and feel offended, I cannot apologize for how I feel. Why? Because I'm human and have feelings...yesterday, I had a serious break-down at my place of work, and it made no sense to me except I was already struggling and my mind went on vacation. All reasoning with my senses to stop myself were gone, and I felt out of control. All I can remember is feeling totally out of control as our walkies did NOT work, and I needed to help my co-workers but totally needed assistance of other co-workers...the rest is a blur as I ran for help...the rest was a total mental melt-down I swore I would NEVER allow to happen...I was shaking, my mind was frozen as I cried uncontrollably with no reasoning that I needed to take a deep breath and just BREATHE. I was on my way up to the admin building to throw my keys at our campus director's door, then the next thing I could reason that I needed to get in my car and just drive home and hold my own kids close to me...I was DONE...I wasn't coming back because, like I said, all reasoning was out the window. I am blessed to have friends at work...friends who could stop me...I was able to sit down on the kitchen floor as my friend talked all reasoning back into my frozen mind...I was so upset with myself for losing it. Seriously? Could I ever make it in combat? Did I actually ever think I could join the Army? That's what I wanted to do before I received the phone call for this job....then I get this job and freeze over a CHILD? I guess, I am human after all....when all was said and done, I had a hard time re-focusing the rest of the day, but I made it....I was so exhausted I could barely talk to my husband when I went home that night...I was supposed to do a sleep-over but my sweet friend wouldn't let me...she took my place...God only knows that He has given me some great friends in this line of work...I question over and over what I have gotten myself into then I remember the kids who make it all worth while, some which have already left and completed the program. I remember some of my girls currently in my cottage who I know that I am making a difference in their lives...I go to work for them. I can't worry about the one who screamed obscenities every time I passed her last night....I can't worry about her screaming that no one wants me there anymore....I can't allow those words hurt me because it all boils down to the other 9 girls who need me to stay there for them...to show them that I will be one person who won't walk out of their life....yes, this is WHY...

What Now...

       The question is, "What now?" As I continue on my life's journey, I constantly am searching what my destiny will be. Over the past couple of weeks, I've come to the conclusion that I will probably go back to school eventually and possibly will be a counsellor. I find that over the past couple of weeks, I have spent a good deal of time just counselling people, mainly the teens I work with. Being a direct child-care worker has opened my eyes to a whole new world. I never dreamed that I'd be counselling on a non-stop, day to day basis. I'm not even sure that I want to be a therapist and deal with things I don't thoroughly believe in...I have a different view to life than most of the psychotherapy jargon out there. You see, I happen to know that there is a real live devil out there and that we "wrestle not against flesh and blood...." But even being a counsellor can pose certain hurdles along my path, yet I have never been one to just give up on something I believe in...
       Just yesterday alone, I sat and talked to a few of my girls...if I wasn't putting out an "explosive situation" I was just talking to them about what's important in their lives at this point and time. By night's end, I was mentally and emotionally exhausted, but I believe that this is what I really want to do....just sit and talk and guide kids who are troubled, who are searching for what's missing in their lives that they need and are trying to overcome. Of course, I know that Jesus is the ultimate answer, yet dealing with these kids at my place of work tends to give me this hurdle that I feel the need to jump....just naming the name of Jesus is offensive to a few of the girls. I only hope and pray that they can see Jesus in me and will soon begin to ask me about why I can live my life with such peace and don't become frazzled when they scream in my face like a new girl did last night....So, I just rambled on about what now? I just don't know the answer at this moment and time....

Hello....

       Hello, my name is Elizabeth Hamm, and I wonder what in the word I have gotten myself into...really...I like to think of myself as a strong person, as a person who can accomplish whatever I put my mind to...I also know that sometimes, mostly all of the time, I like to make sure that everyone around me is okay and all is right in their world as in mine. I don't know why I am this way...it's been for as long as I can remember, really. I've always wanted those in authority to like me as well as everyone around me. I've come to the conclusion probably over 2000x that I just can't please everyone. I just can't make everybody happy, AND I can't just take those around me who are in pain and make them better. I can't solve world peace, and I can't make everyone believe in God. I can't make everyone obey the law and I can't make someone like me. All I can do is be myself, and with the help of God, I can shine His light wherever I walk. I don't always make the right decisions, and often, it may seem as if I am too caring....but at what point is someone TOO caring? I know that as of this point in my life, all I can do is, "Let go and let God..." I can't do anything else. I can't expect to make everyone around me happy 100% of the time. I can't make my own children obey me or even get along. All I can do is guide them and teach them how important it is to obey those in authority and how important it is to treat each other with respect.
       I can take a handful of my "faith rocks" and name each and every one of them with different things I am dealing with in my life including "self-respect." I am learning to respect myself so in turn I can respect others. So many times, I try to help so many people around me that I forget that I, too, am an important person in my life. I deserve happiness and love just like everyone around me. This is not pride; this is just self-awareness...God loves me...He loved ME so much that He made a way for me to have a "peace that passes all understanding..." He sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for ME. If I was the only person alive on this Earth, He still would've sent Jesus to die for ME. I have to be totally honest with you...I could not live this life without my God. I have, and I have failed miserably. I have gone for days without talking to Him or even acknowledging He was there...then when chaos or tragedy entered, I was on my knees crying for His help. I have come too far now to go back...I know that I really couldn't live without my God.
       Remember Jesus' cry from the cross, "My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?" Imagine the great desperation He was feeling! I don't ever have to experience that because He will always be near. Whenever I feel as if He is gone, all I have to do is turn around and just simply open my eyes. He hasn't gone anywhere; He was just waiting for me to acknowledge His presence.
       So, I can't just end this without simply saying that although I have maybe sounded desperate, I am not. I have faith that God will bring me through this phase in my life the same as He always has. I don't need anything but Him for He is my EVERYTHING...

Inner Pain

       A dagger to the heart
   Left me bleeding and alone
   Too many questions
   Had turned my heart to stone...

   A dark fog surrounded me
   My way was so unclear
   Why had the sun blackened
   And those around me sneer?

   At night I'd lay to rest
   So sure this would go away
   Only to waken to dark
   Knowing much didn't sway...

   I heard their voices, distanced
   They clung to every word
   But I didn't know what I said
   It sounded so absurd...

   How can I save you
   While I am drowning still?
   How can I have an answer
   To shape your life and will?

   Where do I go from here
   While my baby looks to me
   To be the stronger being
   To set us both free?

   When will I surface
   From this sea of pain?
   It tends to grab and choke me
   With nothing left to gain...

   I look to Heaven for some answers
   My words all choked in tears
   I really need some answers
   To calm these inner fears...

   Surrounded by my loved ones
   I still feel all alone
   I'm in another world
   What you see is just a clone...

   So, God, what is the answer
   I really need to know
   If You're who You say
   Do you really love me still?

   I lift my trembling hand
   And place it into His
   I know no other way
   My life's an endless quiz...

   Dear God, I place my faith
   In You, far greater still
   You'll heal my broken heart
   In time, my life will heal...

   Just guide me and protect me
   Without You, I can't go
   I realize I'm still a mess
   And will cling to you so...

   Now I know You're with me
   And every troubled sigh
   I may never get the answers
   Until the day I die.

   Just guide me and direct me
   I cannot find my way
   Without You, I am helpless
   And have no words to say.

   Take care of those I love
   Since I can't seem to help
   And show them that I'm human
   With a broken heart.

                      ~~E.A.Hamm
                        7/20/10

*Written for my dear friend, Megan, who lost her brother on 7/08/10

Home

       I realize how precious time is after working non-stop for about 7 days...it's hard saying good-bye to my kids every single day especially after they were gone for a month visiting with their grandparents down in VA. I treasure every minute with my precious little ones, and they bring me so much joy. Just this morning, I took them to get their teeth cleaned, and it was JW's first time at the dentist. He was a bit skeptical at first. He has this look as he looks at something he is unsure of...those big brown eyes with long lashes blink and he studies the person up and down. He especially wasn't too sure of the chair especially when the dentist was reclining him back...he kept his head up and wouldn't relax. She is a super dentist especially with kids. She showed him all of the instruments, and he held out his hand and asked her to spray him with the sprayer. It was too funny! My little man is growing up so fast! I didn't even have to go back with Charity this time! She was all brave! The dentist told me that she talked non-stop! I, on the other hand, don't care for the dentist at all; I like her as a person and she is great but I just don't like the sound of drills or the feel of the toothbrush as she cleans my teeth. I just don't like the dentist at all! I most definitely don't tell my kids that though.
        I'm so happy to be home today! I love just spending every single minute with my kids. My job makes me more aware of just how important family is to me. Home, is definately where the HEART is....

Making a Change

       I was sitting in my living room across from my dad, as the tears came to my eyes, "I just really want to make a difference." You see, I look at my dad and see a man who has made a difference in so many lives. He just has so much wisdom and knows what to say; while, sometimes I feel so tongue-tied and wonder if the words that come out of my mouth make any sense whatsoever. I am much better at sitting down and collecting my thoughts on paper; it's still a process learning to sit and talk to someone and give them solid advice.
      So, I sat on the porch with a friend the other night wondering exactly what words to say. My mind could only be going 100mph, and somehow, no words I said made any sense to me whatsoever until I remembered the small rock I carried with me wherever I go. I remembered that my dad had given it to me as he has many different people. It symbolizes faith, something you can't see or touch. I often grabbed that rock and rolled it over and over in the palm of my hand, feeling deep in my heart that God was there with me and all I had to do was to have faith in Him. I've pulled that rock out of my pocket many times at work, clutching to the faith that He was with me wherever I was or whatever was going on around me. So, I gave that rock to my friend and kinda told her about it. I can always get another rock; it's not a big deal.
      I go to my cottage of girls yesterday and all at once, each one of them want to talk to me....I sat there listening, and my mind flashed back to when I was a teenager, having my own set of problems. I remember sitting there, talking to my mentors at the time, taking in everything they were telling me, wondering how they knew what to say. Cause, then, my mind was in a "pause" mode. What do you say to a girl who has been told all of her life that she wasn't wanted? That her life was a mistake? That she meant nothing to her mom? What do you say as she sits there crying her eyes out, telling me that she's been in 7 foster homes and no one really wanted her? That her temper has gotten the best of her over and over and people were afraid of her in past placements? The first thing I realized was that she was hurting far deeper than I could ever help. All I knew was that I hurt that she was hurting. I told her that. I also told her that I could see that she had a big heart for others and that she should never lose that. Then I made a mental note to go and get a bunch of "faith" rocks to hand out to these girls who are struggling. Sometimes, something tangible just makes a difference. I won't push religion on them, but I can tell them why I have faith.
       It's not at all about religion. It's about the Man who created the Universe. The common denominator between all of us, humans. It's about how we all can come together and always have that common denominator even if the rest is different. So, I can't really make a difference. All I can do is show the LOVE that is poured into me from my God. To walk in the love is the true mark of a Christian. That LOVE will make that CHANGE.

Indescribable Pain

             I'm supposed to be asleep, but I have so much on my mind like I have off and on for the last couple of weeks. I don't even know where to start with this blog...all I can think about is the indescribable pain all around me. Until I am in some one's shoes, I have no idea how they feel; all I know is what I have seen.
    Memories come back to my mind of what I know, what I've experienced. My first idea of true pain was when my little second cousin's life was taken over 11 years ago. That, to me, was indescribable pain.
    I had never cried so hard as I did those few days. My next memory was when the chancellor of my college died when we all expected him to make it. He had been like a grandfather to us at the college, giving so much of his time, showering us with gifts and acting silly...I think back to the frozen stillness as I was working the switchboard and could barely answer the phone calls coming through and my boss sent me back to my dorm, knowing I couldn't talk...the hallways were full of crying students...my room-mates all lay on our beds in silence with nothing to say, the shock was great. That, to me, at the time was indescribable pain.
      My next memory was when my baby boy was four months old...right after midnight, after Mother's Day, the phone call came through that Mamaw Hamm went Home. Walking into her room where her sick body had lain, was more than I could bare at the time...I sat on her back porch overlooking a beautiful view and imagined her there as the tears ran down my face...the chilling rain was soaking all of us as her grandsons carried her coffin on that mountain-top...that, to me, was indescribable pain.
      It was a Sunday morning, and we got the phone call as we were getting ready for church, just this past September. Papaw Hamm was going to be attending church in Heaven that morning. It was so hard walking through the house where he spent his last days. I felt as if his presence was still there, especially as I sat in his garden. To me, walking up to the casket with the family, knowing his life here on Earth was over, was indescribable pain. I think I hurt worse when I saw my husband, Josh, crying. Standing by the graveside as the grandsons carried his body to rest on that mountain-top was so final...to me, that was indescribable pain.
       The common denominator between all of these stories is that I will see every single one of these people again someday. The human body is frail...we can't imagine NOT seeing those we love again on this Earth. We can't contemplate the breath of life being just....GONE FOREVER. It's something we, ourselves, haven't survived to tell others about it. The thing we do know is that once our body dies, our spirit, who we really are, will live forever. Our spirit can't die. If you can imagine talking to someone on the telephone or even texting, it's our body's doing the talking, but in reality we don't see each other...we are speaking spirits. Even in the indescribable pain down here on Earth, we can know deep within our spirits that we have the privilege of seeing our loved ones again, in Heaven. They have simply graduated from this life onto the next. That is what makes the pain a little lesser, if you may, than if there was NO hope whatsoever. It doesn't stop the throbbing pain deep within your chest or the tears that burn your eyes because you've cried so much.
      So, I know of several different people who are hurting deeply tonight; one has lost her husband of almost 3 years just last night. One friend lost her brother from a tragedy that was unexpected. Two hurt all day, remembering that exactly a year ago today, they lost their mom to cancer. Another, hurt badly on Saturday, remembering that that would've been her brother's 30th birthday. I'm sure there are other's around the world, experiencing what I would call indescribable pain. But there is a "PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING." This peace can be found in Jesus Christ our Lord. He alone can grant this peace and heal the broken heart. Without Him, I couldn't survive any indescribable pain.