On Friendships and LOVE

       Sometimes I can't let go of certain things. I have struggled with rejection and not being good enough. The "great deceiver" has made sure of that, and I have not realized it until recently. I never understood why I always kept a "kungfu" grip on things such as relationships. It all started when we first moved away when I was 10 years old. When we moved back to my childhood home, my friends from birth were different, as was I. I was able to pick up where we left off, but they weren't. They didn't want me as a part of "their group." It hurt me to my core because I was among a small group of people. Without them, I had NO ONE. While we lived away, I was able to become friends with my family. Throughout my teen years, I had mediocre friendships. There was alot of turmoil within them because as they pointed out to me later in life, they were terribly jealous of me. I had them turning on me like a pit-bull always trying to either get me in trouble or keep others away from me, "shunning me" in the process. I was able to put off an "aura" of confidence and they were jealous of that. They hated the fact that I wouldn't back down either. I fought for right, and I defended those who were misunderstood. I confronted most of them, and didn't use tact in telling them what they were doing and how they needed to stop. Looking back, I was fighting fire with fire and not water. It was a losing battle. If I had just learned to let go early on and walked in love, the turmoil would've eventually ceased. When I think back to that "era" in my life, I find it necessary to write about, not only for me and my healing process, but also for some of you who are reading this. Maybe you will find a peace much earlier in life than I did.
       It wasn't until I went away to college that I found true friendship. People who loved me for me and put no stipulations on me. They didn't care about my life, past or how I was. I was still pretty messed up relationship-wise, but I had one undying characteristic, I was loyal and I loved deeply. When I say I had a hard time with friendships, I mean just that. I didn't know how to be a friend to someone. I was always worried they would soon reject me as well. That soon, I wouldn't  be good enough for them. That I wouldn't fit it with their "group." I soon found out that I was wrong. Looking back, I made some amazing friendships.
       Oh, yes, I had some who became jealous of me and my boyfriend. I had some who felt the need to spread nasty rumors about me...some who felt the need to corner me in the bathroom and threaten my life. Those were dark days. Those were days where I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered why these people turned on me like pit-bulls. I had loved them with all of my heart, and I had done nothing to them. Yes, I retaliated some when I was attacked. No, I didn't walk in love because I didn't know how and hadn't learned that concept. Yes, I chased a girl down and told her to stop the rumors because she didn't know what she was talking about. No, I wasn't very "Christ-like" in doing so. I turned people in for destroying my belongings, for stealing my stuff, for using my phone minutes and jacking my phone bill through the roof, etc.
       But I also had the type of friendships that will stay with me through eternity. I had loyal friends who loved me and we understood each other. I didn't have to hide myself from them. Looking back, I see that the ones who were constantly trying to hurt me were never truly my friends. They were mere acquaintances. Hind-sight tells me that I had alot to learn.
        Years later, I haven't made a massive amount of friendships, but the ones I have made have either phased out or remained strong. I found good people who didn't grow up like I did who still was able to love me for me and all of the mess that surrounded me. I found that it was okay to become friends with all kinds of people, young and old.      
       I've had a very good friend of mine pass away three years ago. I called her "Grandma Mae." I loved her very much, and we became best friends. I remember when I received the news that she passed on. I fell to my knees in disbelief. She had told me the Sunday previously that she was "ready to go Home." I just laughed and told her she was silly and she had many years left. I still remember how she smiled and patted my hands, knowingly.
       Since then, I made a few more friendships that are amazing and fulfilling. I don't have to hide myself, and I know they we love each other unconditionally. One of those friendships, I refer to as my "Anne of Green Gables friendship." We are "bosom friends." We get each other. We have fought like sisters and moved on.
       More recently, I re-connected with someone I knew in college, and we have found a connection. We wish we lived closer to each other, but as life has it, we don't. We have gone through a similar experience in life, and we understand the repercussions from it.
       All of this to come to my final conclusion. Some friendships have to come to an end, for now. I don't really believe in "ending a friendship." I'm sorry if you disagree, for you see, I can never stop loving a person even when they are long gone. They may say the meanest things to me, but in the end, I love them. I am hurt, yes, but I love them all the same. Why? I have a gift of seeing past all of that hurt and mean words. I can see the good...I can remember the good times. I treasure the memories with them. I have to walk away....for now. Yes, I have been told, "Stop contacting me." I respect that. I will stop contacting you, but I will never stop loving you. I have been told, "I pray that you will find and understand the error of your ways." Yes, I will find and understand them  because slowly but surely, my eyes are being opened to TRUTH. It isn't what they mean when they say that to me, but in reality, my life isn't their journey. I will always love them, but I have to walk away for now, loving them, caring about them, and yes, maybe one day we can re-connect. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I will never let go of being loyal and yes, walking that LOVE walk.

Bless the Lord

       I will have to say that quite a bit has been thrown my way within the last 10 years of my life. I can actually keep going back farther than that, but to be honest, most of the trials in my life started as soon as I graduated from college and began living on my own. I have had many things happen to where I could've chosen to turn my back on God. There were very dark moments when I was angry with Him and blamed Him for everything. It was then that I truly didn't know God very well but knew only what I had been taught, that He was this "big scary being that we dare not cross least he kill us." That is silly in hind-sight, but if you grew up like me, you will understand completely what I am saying. I would walk around in fear all of the time. I cared too much what others thought of me, and that ran into caring what God thought. But I hadn't really learned to think for myself, and I hadn't really read what God's Word said about God, how He is a just God, slow to anger and generous in mercy. Oh, yes, I did read it but I believed what someone told me rather than taking God at His Word.
       Through these past 10 years, I have been on a true spiritual journey, and this journey continues with great force even as I write this. I have found that I can now get over a "curve-ball" in life far faster than I have in the past. I can quickly seek out the good in a situation at a much greater pace than before. Just this weekend, I had to be reminded that forgiveness isn't all about the person but for me. Yes, it is right to apologize when you have wronged someone. Yes, it is very right to forgive a person who has done you wrong, but the truth of the matter is, they don't need my forgiveness....I need to forgive for my own spirit. To hold onto something  for so long truly dampens your spirit and stops all growth. Soon you are stagnant and oppressed and it spills over into other areas of your life. I know because I have been down that road. I have lived in unforgiveness for years. It did me no good whatsoever. In turn, I wasn't hurting those people who had wronged me. They didn't even know I hadn't forgiven them! They weren't losing sleep or being harmed! I was harming myself and those around me with my negativity!
       Just this week, I was thrown a "curve-ball," and all I have to say on the matter is I worked through it, prayed and now am over it. Yes, it still "smarts" a little bit because of what it was. I can really sit here and tell you how sad I am that a certain dream of mine has been put on hold, but I choose to focus on the positive and give many reasons that this was "meant for good."
    I will end with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Alone

       I sit here alone, deep in my thoughts
No one to enter, no one to exit
       Musings all my own
No one to listen, no one to see
       I'm in my own little bubble of my own making
No one to penetrate, no one to label
       It's not attention or self-pity I need
It's not sympathy or words of care coming my way
       You shake your head as if you don't understand
You roll your eyes as if it's enough
       You can't pretend to really grab ahold
You don't see what I see, you don't feel what I feel
       You aren't inside my head
You aren't the face of one who dreads
       The pity and helplessness all must paint
Have you forgotten that we are but dust?
       Have you remembered we all sin and we lust?
We each place our shoes upon our own feet
       And the paths that we travel, each other we meet
So, look down your noses and wrinkle your brow
       Your pity and nonchalance make me sad somehow
For you don't know a thing about loving someone
       For if you did, half the battle would be won.
I sit here in silence, I sit here in alone
        It's okay that I do this, my heart isn't stone
I have much to muse and I have much to say
       But the one thing I know is that it'll all be ok.

Addiction

       Addiction as defined by Webster's Merriam dictionary: a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined psychological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful . Addiction is a not so famous topic of conversation, but in today's society, we have an onslaught of various addictions that all do not have to do with substance abuse. There are also psychological addictions as well as relationship addictions. To name a few: approval, fear,self-deprecation, wrong romance, etc.
        You may wonder what I might know about addiction. No, I am not addicted to drugs, narcotics, nicotine, or even alcohol. But I have seen what these things do to people. I have worked with several  teenagers who were gripped in the claws of this evil monster. I have seen first-hand how hard they fought, and some didn't win. I've also experienced my own sets of addictions, but this isn't about my own little confession series. My focus is to point out a need to help. To be a person who is willing to be honest and talk about what is eating at most of the people that are in our every day lives.
       I can't even begin to put a dent on this subject. It's very broad to say the least. I can try to describe what I see in my mind when I hear the word.

       I walk into the room, palms sweaty,
Pulse racing, heart beating like a drum
       I reason within myself, it's ok
No one will know because I'm good
      Just this once won't hurt me,
I mean, it's just ONE time, no pain...
      He reaches his giant hand towards my throat
Wrapping his claws around it til I'm suffocating
      I can't breathe, my face turns red
Then purple, then blue, he lets go
       But only for a brief moment...
In that moment, I find relief, I can breathe again
       Racing thoughts swirling, palpitations sounding
Words become a blurr, vision is lost
       I fall to my knees, beaten down, bloody and bruised
Each time becomes harder to get back up
       Anger boils over, denial takes over
In retrospect, I am the only one who can take control
       I look up, tears streaming down my face
This mighty monster will not win
       Addiction is his name. 

Bittersweet

       Falling asleep while standing still
Not afraid of what's going on all around
       Tears fall down like cleansing flood
Washing away all of the fears within
       Never leaving my side, standing true
Slow motion, robotic stares surround
       Ricocheting bullets fly o'er my head
Still no movement from within
       I stand this way for hours on end
Never moving, ever staring, always blinking
       Understanding will fall like the waves
Crashing all around, drowning all fear
       Eyes wide open, heart-beat like an ancient drum
The music is on repeat with numbing finger-tips
        Only remorse for ever caring what you think
Dead silence soon envelopes my sheer existence
      Echoing taunting reminders of what once was
I turn away and walk alone, ever wondering
      Trying not to really care, turning off my inner soul.

     

Glimpses of Clarity

      I've always been a misunderstood individual. Ever since I could remember, I was the quiet one. Most people thought I couldn't handle situations, and when all was said and done, not only did I handle them, I mastered them and surprised them all. There are times when I become frustrated because I just want people to see ME. But then, I have to remind myself that it's not all about me but them. It shouldn't matter if people see me. They should be seeing Jesus through my soul.
       Right after I had my youngest child, my health began to detiorate. Whatever was going around, I would catch and catch it badly. I became depressed about it because not too many people seemed to really and truly understand how alone I felt. Even when I had my gallbladder attacks and had to have it removed, I had people telling me this and telling me that. I really didn't get any support. Then earlier this fall, my arms began to hurt very badly. Then, it got to the point where it hurt to get out of bed in the morning. It hurt to walk, especially up the stairs. I would lay very still and just feel the throbbing all over my body, knowing something was wrong. I would close my eyes and will the pain away but it stayed...constantly. I didn't want to face anything.
       I began to wonder if possibly I had lymes' disease, and the doctor even wondered the same thing as she ordered tests. This was all before Thanksgiving. I remember when the phone call came that not only did I not have lymes' disease, I had some kind of auto-immune disorder and they were referring me to a rheumotologist. I made the mistake of telling some people because they filled me with fear. But "God is not the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I have come to not only NOT fear this as I go through tests, and I have come to understand my body. I know when I've stretched my limits, and I have faith in a God who is the ultimate HEALER. Telling even the closest people to you can bring different reactions because they care and different people react differently. I don't write about this to seek sympathy. I don't write it to seek attention.
       Just a few seconds before I started writing this, I had a glimpse of clarity. For a brief second, I could see what I was going through. I have been through so much in 2012...I could almost say I went to hell and back and made it out alive. I've gone through a myriad of emotions and feelings. I truly believe there is a such thing as deadly emotions. I also believe that I am on the road to recovery, that I am healed. You see, God is writing my life's resume. I am going to be able to look back and see this great thing God has done. No matter what is found, I am on the road to recovery. I refuse to give up or be discouraged. I can always find someone else to encourage. I can always smile and love with a love only Jesus can give. My desire is that those who come into contact with me will feel true love, that they will feel the warmth of His embrace. These are my true glimpses of clarity....

I Once Was Broken Inside....

       I have these visions inside my head, the kind where I'm whole again and back to what I'm supposed to be. I have had some time to think and re-evaluate some things. I know that what has been going on inside of me has been going on for years. The dreams are re-occurring at the most inopportune times. I could go to bed perfectly happy and at peace in my heart and wake up in turmoil. I will begin to panic at the oddest times, and I begin to feel my world spinning out of control and find it hard to breathe and thoughts that are not my own begin to swirl faster and faster until I feel I could faint. These things are not of God. They exist and certain times of the year trigger these thoughts and feelings within me. Those around me just don't understand fully. Unless you've been where I've been, unless you've walked where I've walked, lived what I lived, you won't fully understand. Sure, you can be empathetic, and you can hold my hand and just be there for me in this journey, but not many know and understand these feelings completely.
       I understand that God is not the author of confusion. I understand a Satanic attack on the soul when I see it. Sometimes, when the feelings are there, when the tears won't stop falling, all I can do is go somewhere safe, fall to my knees and continue to cry out to God to help me, to heal me. Why do I write about this? Why do I make myself vulnerable? Maybe it's because there are others out there who feel the same, who understands the pain. Maybe I can help them. As I am helped this upcoming year, I will continue to blog my journey. I will relate my findings. As I seek God's face, as I become closer to Him, I will tell the world. Why? Because I was created to make a difference. I know that is my calling in this life. I was given a voice, a voice to be heard. I truly believe that my voice will become stronger and mightier this upcoming year. God is doing a great work in my life. One of my favorite verses to pray is, "This poor man cried and the Lord heard him and delivered him out of all his trouble."
       So, join me in this journey, my journey, and perhaps your journey. My prayer is that I might be a blessing to someone. That my courage to speak out will help someone else speak out and perhaps get help for themselves. I don't want any pity. That's not my goal. My goal is to help someone out there who is like a "voice crying in the wilderness."