Glimpses of Clarity

      I've always been a misunderstood individual. Ever since I could remember, I was the quiet one. Most people thought I couldn't handle situations, and when all was said and done, not only did I handle them, I mastered them and surprised them all. There are times when I become frustrated because I just want people to see ME. But then, I have to remind myself that it's not all about me but them. It shouldn't matter if people see me. They should be seeing Jesus through my soul.
       Right after I had my youngest child, my health began to detiorate. Whatever was going around, I would catch and catch it badly. I became depressed about it because not too many people seemed to really and truly understand how alone I felt. Even when I had my gallbladder attacks and had to have it removed, I had people telling me this and telling me that. I really didn't get any support. Then earlier this fall, my arms began to hurt very badly. Then, it got to the point where it hurt to get out of bed in the morning. It hurt to walk, especially up the stairs. I would lay very still and just feel the throbbing all over my body, knowing something was wrong. I would close my eyes and will the pain away but it stayed...constantly. I didn't want to face anything.
       I began to wonder if possibly I had lymes' disease, and the doctor even wondered the same thing as she ordered tests. This was all before Thanksgiving. I remember when the phone call came that not only did I not have lymes' disease, I had some kind of auto-immune disorder and they were referring me to a rheumotologist. I made the mistake of telling some people because they filled me with fear. But "God is not the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I have come to not only NOT fear this as I go through tests, and I have come to understand my body. I know when I've stretched my limits, and I have faith in a God who is the ultimate HEALER. Telling even the closest people to you can bring different reactions because they care and different people react differently. I don't write about this to seek sympathy. I don't write it to seek attention.
       Just a few seconds before I started writing this, I had a glimpse of clarity. For a brief second, I could see what I was going through. I have been through so much in 2012...I could almost say I went to hell and back and made it out alive. I've gone through a myriad of emotions and feelings. I truly believe there is a such thing as deadly emotions. I also believe that I am on the road to recovery, that I am healed. You see, God is writing my life's resume. I am going to be able to look back and see this great thing God has done. No matter what is found, I am on the road to recovery. I refuse to give up or be discouraged. I can always find someone else to encourage. I can always smile and love with a love only Jesus can give. My desire is that those who come into contact with me will feel true love, that they will feel the warmth of His embrace. These are my true glimpses of clarity....