Alone

       I sit here alone, deep in my thoughts
No one to enter, no one to exit
       Musings all my own
No one to listen, no one to see
       I'm in my own little bubble of my own making
No one to penetrate, no one to label
       It's not attention or self-pity I need
It's not sympathy or words of care coming my way
       You shake your head as if you don't understand
You roll your eyes as if it's enough
       You can't pretend to really grab ahold
You don't see what I see, you don't feel what I feel
       You aren't inside my head
You aren't the face of one who dreads
       The pity and helplessness all must paint
Have you forgotten that we are but dust?
       Have you remembered we all sin and we lust?
We each place our shoes upon our own feet
       And the paths that we travel, each other we meet
So, look down your noses and wrinkle your brow
       Your pity and nonchalance make me sad somehow
For you don't know a thing about loving someone
       For if you did, half the battle would be won.
I sit here in silence, I sit here in alone
        It's okay that I do this, my heart isn't stone
I have much to muse and I have much to say
       But the one thing I know is that it'll all be ok.

Addiction

       Addiction as defined by Webster's Merriam dictionary: a compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined psychological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful . Addiction is a not so famous topic of conversation, but in today's society, we have an onslaught of various addictions that all do not have to do with substance abuse. There are also psychological addictions as well as relationship addictions. To name a few: approval, fear,self-deprecation, wrong romance, etc.
        You may wonder what I might know about addiction. No, I am not addicted to drugs, narcotics, nicotine, or even alcohol. But I have seen what these things do to people. I have worked with several  teenagers who were gripped in the claws of this evil monster. I have seen first-hand how hard they fought, and some didn't win. I've also experienced my own sets of addictions, but this isn't about my own little confession series. My focus is to point out a need to help. To be a person who is willing to be honest and talk about what is eating at most of the people that are in our every day lives.
       I can't even begin to put a dent on this subject. It's very broad to say the least. I can try to describe what I see in my mind when I hear the word.

       I walk into the room, palms sweaty,
Pulse racing, heart beating like a drum
       I reason within myself, it's ok
No one will know because I'm good
      Just this once won't hurt me,
I mean, it's just ONE time, no pain...
      He reaches his giant hand towards my throat
Wrapping his claws around it til I'm suffocating
      I can't breathe, my face turns red
Then purple, then blue, he lets go
       But only for a brief moment...
In that moment, I find relief, I can breathe again
       Racing thoughts swirling, palpitations sounding
Words become a blurr, vision is lost
       I fall to my knees, beaten down, bloody and bruised
Each time becomes harder to get back up
       Anger boils over, denial takes over
In retrospect, I am the only one who can take control
       I look up, tears streaming down my face
This mighty monster will not win
       Addiction is his name. 

Bittersweet

       Falling asleep while standing still
Not afraid of what's going on all around
       Tears fall down like cleansing flood
Washing away all of the fears within
       Never leaving my side, standing true
Slow motion, robotic stares surround
       Ricocheting bullets fly o'er my head
Still no movement from within
       I stand this way for hours on end
Never moving, ever staring, always blinking
       Understanding will fall like the waves
Crashing all around, drowning all fear
       Eyes wide open, heart-beat like an ancient drum
The music is on repeat with numbing finger-tips
        Only remorse for ever caring what you think
Dead silence soon envelopes my sheer existence
      Echoing taunting reminders of what once was
I turn away and walk alone, ever wondering
      Trying not to really care, turning off my inner soul.

     

Glimpses of Clarity

      I've always been a misunderstood individual. Ever since I could remember, I was the quiet one. Most people thought I couldn't handle situations, and when all was said and done, not only did I handle them, I mastered them and surprised them all. There are times when I become frustrated because I just want people to see ME. But then, I have to remind myself that it's not all about me but them. It shouldn't matter if people see me. They should be seeing Jesus through my soul.
       Right after I had my youngest child, my health began to detiorate. Whatever was going around, I would catch and catch it badly. I became depressed about it because not too many people seemed to really and truly understand how alone I felt. Even when I had my gallbladder attacks and had to have it removed, I had people telling me this and telling me that. I really didn't get any support. Then earlier this fall, my arms began to hurt very badly. Then, it got to the point where it hurt to get out of bed in the morning. It hurt to walk, especially up the stairs. I would lay very still and just feel the throbbing all over my body, knowing something was wrong. I would close my eyes and will the pain away but it stayed...constantly. I didn't want to face anything.
       I began to wonder if possibly I had lymes' disease, and the doctor even wondered the same thing as she ordered tests. This was all before Thanksgiving. I remember when the phone call came that not only did I not have lymes' disease, I had some kind of auto-immune disorder and they were referring me to a rheumotologist. I made the mistake of telling some people because they filled me with fear. But "God is not the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." I have come to not only NOT fear this as I go through tests, and I have come to understand my body. I know when I've stretched my limits, and I have faith in a God who is the ultimate HEALER. Telling even the closest people to you can bring different reactions because they care and different people react differently. I don't write about this to seek sympathy. I don't write it to seek attention.
       Just a few seconds before I started writing this, I had a glimpse of clarity. For a brief second, I could see what I was going through. I have been through so much in 2012...I could almost say I went to hell and back and made it out alive. I've gone through a myriad of emotions and feelings. I truly believe there is a such thing as deadly emotions. I also believe that I am on the road to recovery, that I am healed. You see, God is writing my life's resume. I am going to be able to look back and see this great thing God has done. No matter what is found, I am on the road to recovery. I refuse to give up or be discouraged. I can always find someone else to encourage. I can always smile and love with a love only Jesus can give. My desire is that those who come into contact with me will feel true love, that they will feel the warmth of His embrace. These are my true glimpses of clarity....