On Friendships and LOVE

       Sometimes I can't let go of certain things. I have struggled with rejection and not being good enough. The "great deceiver" has made sure of that, and I have not realized it until recently. I never understood why I always kept a "kungfu" grip on things such as relationships. It all started when we first moved away when I was 10 years old. When we moved back to my childhood home, my friends from birth were different, as was I. I was able to pick up where we left off, but they weren't. They didn't want me as a part of "their group." It hurt me to my core because I was among a small group of people. Without them, I had NO ONE. While we lived away, I was able to become friends with my family. Throughout my teen years, I had mediocre friendships. There was alot of turmoil within them because as they pointed out to me later in life, they were terribly jealous of me. I had them turning on me like a pit-bull always trying to either get me in trouble or keep others away from me, "shunning me" in the process. I was able to put off an "aura" of confidence and they were jealous of that. They hated the fact that I wouldn't back down either. I fought for right, and I defended those who were misunderstood. I confronted most of them, and didn't use tact in telling them what they were doing and how they needed to stop. Looking back, I was fighting fire with fire and not water. It was a losing battle. If I had just learned to let go early on and walked in love, the turmoil would've eventually ceased. When I think back to that "era" in my life, I find it necessary to write about, not only for me and my healing process, but also for some of you who are reading this. Maybe you will find a peace much earlier in life than I did.
       It wasn't until I went away to college that I found true friendship. People who loved me for me and put no stipulations on me. They didn't care about my life, past or how I was. I was still pretty messed up relationship-wise, but I had one undying characteristic, I was loyal and I loved deeply. When I say I had a hard time with friendships, I mean just that. I didn't know how to be a friend to someone. I was always worried they would soon reject me as well. That soon, I wouldn't  be good enough for them. That I wouldn't fit it with their "group." I soon found out that I was wrong. Looking back, I made some amazing friendships.
       Oh, yes, I had some who became jealous of me and my boyfriend. I had some who felt the need to spread nasty rumors about me...some who felt the need to corner me in the bathroom and threaten my life. Those were dark days. Those were days where I wondered what was wrong with me. I wondered why these people turned on me like pit-bulls. I had loved them with all of my heart, and I had done nothing to them. Yes, I retaliated some when I was attacked. No, I didn't walk in love because I didn't know how and hadn't learned that concept. Yes, I chased a girl down and told her to stop the rumors because she didn't know what she was talking about. No, I wasn't very "Christ-like" in doing so. I turned people in for destroying my belongings, for stealing my stuff, for using my phone minutes and jacking my phone bill through the roof, etc.
       But I also had the type of friendships that will stay with me through eternity. I had loyal friends who loved me and we understood each other. I didn't have to hide myself from them. Looking back, I see that the ones who were constantly trying to hurt me were never truly my friends. They were mere acquaintances. Hind-sight tells me that I had alot to learn.
        Years later, I haven't made a massive amount of friendships, but the ones I have made have either phased out or remained strong. I found good people who didn't grow up like I did who still was able to love me for me and all of the mess that surrounded me. I found that it was okay to become friends with all kinds of people, young and old.      
       I've had a very good friend of mine pass away three years ago. I called her "Grandma Mae." I loved her very much, and we became best friends. I remember when I received the news that she passed on. I fell to my knees in disbelief. She had told me the Sunday previously that she was "ready to go Home." I just laughed and told her she was silly and she had many years left. I still remember how she smiled and patted my hands, knowingly.
       Since then, I made a few more friendships that are amazing and fulfilling. I don't have to hide myself, and I know they we love each other unconditionally. One of those friendships, I refer to as my "Anne of Green Gables friendship." We are "bosom friends." We get each other. We have fought like sisters and moved on.
       More recently, I re-connected with someone I knew in college, and we have found a connection. We wish we lived closer to each other, but as life has it, we don't. We have gone through a similar experience in life, and we understand the repercussions from it.
       All of this to come to my final conclusion. Some friendships have to come to an end, for now. I don't really believe in "ending a friendship." I'm sorry if you disagree, for you see, I can never stop loving a person even when they are long gone. They may say the meanest things to me, but in the end, I love them. I am hurt, yes, but I love them all the same. Why? I have a gift of seeing past all of that hurt and mean words. I can see the good...I can remember the good times. I treasure the memories with them. I have to walk away....for now. Yes, I have been told, "Stop contacting me." I respect that. I will stop contacting you, but I will never stop loving you. I have been told, "I pray that you will find and understand the error of your ways." Yes, I will find and understand them  because slowly but surely, my eyes are being opened to TRUTH. It isn't what they mean when they say that to me, but in reality, my life isn't their journey. I will always love them, but I have to walk away for now, loving them, caring about them, and yes, maybe one day we can re-connect. Who knows what the future holds. All I know is that I will never let go of being loyal and yes, walking that LOVE walk.

Bless the Lord

       I will have to say that quite a bit has been thrown my way within the last 10 years of my life. I can actually keep going back farther than that, but to be honest, most of the trials in my life started as soon as I graduated from college and began living on my own. I have had many things happen to where I could've chosen to turn my back on God. There were very dark moments when I was angry with Him and blamed Him for everything. It was then that I truly didn't know God very well but knew only what I had been taught, that He was this "big scary being that we dare not cross least he kill us." That is silly in hind-sight, but if you grew up like me, you will understand completely what I am saying. I would walk around in fear all of the time. I cared too much what others thought of me, and that ran into caring what God thought. But I hadn't really learned to think for myself, and I hadn't really read what God's Word said about God, how He is a just God, slow to anger and generous in mercy. Oh, yes, I did read it but I believed what someone told me rather than taking God at His Word.
       Through these past 10 years, I have been on a true spiritual journey, and this journey continues with great force even as I write this. I have found that I can now get over a "curve-ball" in life far faster than I have in the past. I can quickly seek out the good in a situation at a much greater pace than before. Just this weekend, I had to be reminded that forgiveness isn't all about the person but for me. Yes, it is right to apologize when you have wronged someone. Yes, it is very right to forgive a person who has done you wrong, but the truth of the matter is, they don't need my forgiveness....I need to forgive for my own spirit. To hold onto something  for so long truly dampens your spirit and stops all growth. Soon you are stagnant and oppressed and it spills over into other areas of your life. I know because I have been down that road. I have lived in unforgiveness for years. It did me no good whatsoever. In turn, I wasn't hurting those people who had wronged me. They didn't even know I hadn't forgiven them! They weren't losing sleep or being harmed! I was harming myself and those around me with my negativity!
       Just this week, I was thrown a "curve-ball," and all I have to say on the matter is I worked through it, prayed and now am over it. Yes, it still "smarts" a little bit because of what it was. I can really sit here and tell you how sad I am that a certain dream of mine has been put on hold, but I choose to focus on the positive and give many reasons that this was "meant for good."
    I will end with the lyrics of one of my favorite songs:

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes