Too Much

        You would think that after a long day at work I'd be exhausted like I usually am, but tonight so many thoughts are swirling around inside my head. I have too much on my mind to settle down; so, quite possibly, after writing this, I will feel relieved, as if maybe some burden has lifted from my shoulders.
       You would think that I would be able to relate to a teenager, having been one myself not too awful long ago, but the truth of the matter is, the teenagers I work with are nothing like I ever experienced. I would like to think that I was a typical teen, arguing with my parents, talking back, sneaking around behind their backs, dating boys they most definitely did not approve of, and so on...the only thing is, I never did anything to land me in JDC or placement...I had parents who raised me the best they knew, and at the time, I felt as if I was suffocating but I look back and realize that they saved me from a world of pain. I used to think that I couldn't live like a normal person, but what is normal exactly? Doing whatever I wanted? That would've landed me in jail for sure. So, I sometimes question myself working with these kids that I can't relate to...I didn't come from a broken home...I could come home from school and my dad and mom would be there to eat dinner with us in the evening. My mom taught me how to drive...my dad would drive me to work. I was in a private school where my mom taught...yes, it's true I dated a "bad boy." My mom and dad would go round and round with me and I'd look at them like they had two heads....would I listen to them? NO! I had to have my heart broken into pieces before I realized what a loser he was. So, what in the world do I have to offer these kids? These kids that cuss me out on a regular basis...calming down a girl who wants to beat down another over DRAMA....Well, I did grow up with drama to an extent...my teenage world had drama...girls have drama wherever they go anyway...placement just magnifies it. I've been called every name in the book and then some new ones...I had a girl threaten to "lay me out." I've had a pole swung near the vicinity of my head...I've chased a kid who thought it was hilarious to run wherever he wanted on the campus, then look at me and say, "Have a nice run, did ya!" I've been in two restraints already, and mind you, it's only been just about 4 months since I've been employed at my current job.
       There are days when I throw my hands in the air and say, "It's too much!!!!!!!!!!" I've screamed many statements in my mind like, "I'm only ONE person, for crying out loud!" I've just about become unglued the first time a resident screamed at me, "You just don't care about me!" Since then, I've heard that statement one too many times and it doesn't phase me anymore. I've driven my short distance home and sat in my car and cried into the steering wheel before going inside to my babies and hubby....The first place I go when I get home is to my sleeping babies' beds and caress their foreheads and tell them I love them...So, why do I decide to stay here working with these troubled teenagers? That's a good question...the truth of the matter is, I couldn't do this job without God's help. If I didn't have Him, I would've quit by now. He alone gives me the strength to do this....I'm not burnt out. I have a desire to make a difference in this world. I've felt that way since I was 14 years old.
       I remember saying to myself  and in my journals that I wanted to work with teenagers when I was an adult, and now I am able to make that dream an existence. What do I have to offer? I don't know, but all I do know is that I can offer them my heart, my listening ear as they pour out their troubles to me....they may seem trivial but in reality, it's very real to them. I could roll my eyes and be like, "This is so immature," but that would accomplish nothing. Do I become their best friend? No. But I can be that adult in their life that is constant and brings stability through consistency.
       So, no matter how I may want to bang my head off the wall or scream at the top of my lungs, in all reality, it's not too much. I am able to sit here and write this tonight as I am not upset, nor have I had a bad weekend. So, is it worth it? Yes....I'd say so when one of my girls who usually flips out if you look at her wrong is out on the gym floor trying to de-escalate drama...when another girl is crying because she knows that in her past, her first response would be to beat a girl down and she wants so badly to change and realizes that three years of placement is enough...that she's finishing this program no matter what.....yes, it's still worth it.