Random Thoughts 2012

       So much is swirling around inside my head at this present moment...I just returned from Ohio, my home-town. It's always refreshing to go "home" because while there I reflect on my childhood and always come home ready to tackle the world. I had the opportunity to really take a deep hard look at myself. I was able to take a walk one morning and really evaluate several things in my life and really seek God's face. I asked Him for some answers, and while He didn't answer every single question at that present moment, I was able to find the answers before I left.
       My heart is full right now. I look back at my life and am reminded of two traumatic things that happened to me and how I grew from those moments. While living them, I thought I wouldn't survive. I thought I wasn't strong enough to face another day. The desire to flee as far as my legs could take me was simply overwhelming at that present time. I remember the sleepless nights and the pools of tears, the heart-break and the feeling of abandonment. Looking back, I couldn't be what I am today without those instances. I don't wish what I lived for anyone else, and if I had to live it again, I think I probably would because they brought me to where I am today, strong and able to "stand against the whiles of the devil." Living those moments have not only strengthened me but has helped me with the residents at my current job.
       2011 was a year of many changes in my life. I reflect on the many things that transpired. It had it's ups and it's downs. I was able to influence many residents at the facility I worked. I realized one thing through everything...this life is not about me, it's about spreading the LOVE of God Himself. I couldn't have made it through some of the heart-ache without Him. I poured my heart into my job; while some just looked at it as a "job" I chose to look at it as a ministry. I look into the eyes of these kids and see a world of pain. I look at them and see that they are starving for love and attention. When I throw my hands up into the air, sigh a deep breath and want to give up on them, I realize that that isn't an option. They've been abandoned in some shape or form throughout their lives and don't need another "abandonment." This program has made me realize that I really want to be a therapist. I want to sit down with a person who is broken and I want to help them find the tools they need to not only survive but live again. I am at a point in my life where I feel I should have all of this settled, but then I look in the mirror and see that I still have the rest of my life.
       I can't say that I made "NEW YEAR'S" resolutions for 2012, but I can say that I've made some major decisions which I plan to follow through. I am 31 years old, and I am a firm believer in always setting goals and dreams to accomplish. I remember being in high school when everyone was asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I simply had a plan which I ended up following through with. I accomplished every single thing on my "list." I ask myself what I want to be when I grow up now, and I can come up with a list because I really have realized that while down here on earth, we really never "grow up." We can still be growing every day of our lives until the day we pass on. I plan to keep growing because to not grow is to become stagnant and stunted. I am reminded of an awesome saying I heard on one of my favorite movies, "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it."

Kids Say the FUNNIEST Things!

       While driving my kids home from school, I decided to ask my oldest, Charity, if she was in trouble in school today. She replied, "No, Mommy! I was good!" I asked her again if she had a paper for me to sign. She kind of changed her tune to, "I'm sorry, Mommy...please, don't take my bear when we get home." I laughed a little and took the paper she handed me which firmly stated she lost 2 minutes from her recess for 1. shouting out in class and 2. not remaining in her seat...I kept my eyes on the road as I asked her, "Why are you shouting out in class? Are you the teacher?" Charity quickly responded with, "I don't know what's wrong with me, Mommy!" She sighed really big and sounded sad...I told her that nothing was wrong with her but it was unacceptable to be hollering, shouting or even talking in class to which she quickly replied, "I can't help it, Mommy! The shouting won't stay in my mouth! It comes right out, and I can't stop it! I don't think I drank enough water today!" It took all I could to not burst into hysterical laughter! I had a comedian in the back seat of my car! Needless to say, Charity lost her bear for the day as is the rule when she talks in class. Before she went to bed tonight, she gave me a big hug and kiss and said, "Mommy, I have to be good tomorrow! I have to get my bear back!"

Navy Blue

       Have you ever dreamed in color? I often do, and I can describe my feelings or dreams in color...today was a "navy blue" kind of day. As I sit here, I dream in blue...navy blue to me is a not as dark as black but almost there...I can honestly say that I'd love to dream in lime green again or even in orange because then my world would be bright and colorful. Today, it's in blue...a deep, deep blue. I'm not depressed nor am I sad...it's hard to describe my true feelings. I'm not non-chalant...I'm beginning to think I'm just "deep" today. I know that I miss my family as I do most every Sunday...Sunday reminds me of growing up...of the days my daddy took me and my sister to church when my mom was at work. It reminds me of the time he helped with communion and specifically told me I wasn't old enough to take it...but I did anyway...:) Sunday reminds me of walking to the church every single Sunday afternoon around 4:30 to get the choir books ready...it reminds me of my LOVE for music and always singing and playing the piano all hours of the day. Sunday reminds me of Ianazones pizza, drying dishes with my sis, reading til I fell asleep then waking up only to do it all over again. Sunday reminds me of waking up super early to deliver my paper route so I could make it to church to ride my bus route....Sunday reminds me of the Sunday I was proposed to on the bus, getting to church and almost fainting because I didn't want to tell my parents. Sunday makes me think of sitting on a wooden pew: Dad, Mom, Sam, Jo then me....hearing about the mischief from a previous Thursday night and seeing both of my parents look down the pew at me in disbelief while I wanted to slide under the pew and disappear forever. Sunday reminds me of the many fellowships in the evening when we'd stay and eat and fellowship until really really late...of the many secrets that took place that stay in my memory. So, I sit here and remember and am BLUE...tomorrow, I wish for GREEN....happiness and as much belief that Sundays past will forever stay in my heart.

My Journey

       This has been a long journey, my health and all. I have to say that it has been on my mind since I was about 17, and I really don't want to pass that down to my own daughter. I will conquer this once and for all. I know that I have blogged over and over about this subject, but I am learning more things about myself in the past weeks and months of my life. I have learned that no one will help me with this like I want them to. I have learned that I can't blame anyone but myself. I have learned that most of the time I am not hungry or unmotivated, but I choose to take the "easy way out." I do know that, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I look at some women in my life who have conquered this thing, and I tip my hat off to them. I also know that I refuse to give up. Yes, statements like, "You looked good," and "What did you do last time?" really get under my skin but it makes me mad enough to do something about this. I have been exercising more than I did a year ago, I do know that. I hurt afterwards, but I know that it's because I work so hard. I have lost 4 pounds this past week, but I know that that is just the beginning.
       Along with this journey is a spiritual journey that I continue to travel. I know that I have in no way arrived, but I also know that I am farther than I was a year ago. I am thankful for Godly parents who pray for me because God's grace is amazing in my life. I am thankful that I had the privilege to grow up in a Christian home because clearly it has been engraved in my heart. I can't go a single Sunday without going to church, and if I do miss, I feel like something is missing. Just going into the house of God, worshipping in His presence, makes the worries of the week fade into the background. I know that there is so much to learn in this life. I also know that I long to continue to be a witness for Him. I really miss singing. Music was/is my life. I sang constantly and played the piano. I was learning the guitar but kind of got away from that. I think that music has a healing power, and I know that for a fact as it has found it's healing power through the words that touch my heart.
        This is just the beginning of my journey. This is just a scratch off of the surface into my everyday life. I know that I am a work in progress, but I also know that I have and do obtain my goals. I have in the past, and I will continue to do so.

Reflection

       From about Saturday evening until this moment, I've been having an inner, personel struggle. No one knows but God, Himself...I stumbled upon this song on Sunday evening, and I've been playing it over and over again, singing along with an earnestness, only I understand. I long to feel His embrace, to know He is with me all of the time, and in fact, He is...I often try to pretend I can "do this life" all by myself and when that happens, I begin feeling so lost...we were not made to live this life alone...we were not made to be independent but to be co-dependent on Him, the ONE who made us. Until we recognize that fact, we will stumble and continue to fall and feel all alone in this world. Until we acknowledge that we are in fact NOT alone, and we cannot heal from all of our pain and sorrow on our own, we will continue to drown in our own sorrow and smother in the bed we created. I lose myself so many times, but in the end, I realize I'm not really lost....I just forgot to look behind me. Behind me and within, I have the ultimate map to this life. Within, I have the strength capable of doing anything I set my sights on and my dreams and desires will fall into place.
       "I can feel your presence here with me, suddenly I'm lost within your beauty. Caught up in the wonder of your touch, here in this moment I surrender. I surrender to your grace, I surrender to the one who took my place."

A New Perspective

    I watched the movie Soul Surfer the other day with a friend of mine, and a statement still rings clear in my head today..."Sometimes, you need a new perspective..." After being attacked by the shark that took off her arm, Bethany questioned, "Why me?" I admire the courage and faith she portrayed through this attack. Just last night, I was not attacked by a shark but I was attacked verbally. I may not have been injured and lost a limb, but feelings have to heal as well. I am working at not taking what people say to me to heart...to differentiate truth from fiction is a major goal in my life at this present moment. I don't have to take your words to heart especially if you are a broken person inside. Hurting people hurt people. Sometimes we are too close to a situation and we need to take a step back and get a "new perspective." Up close, it may seem like this person is something else, but if we just take a minute to stand back and examine the whole situation, we may see what we've been missing. And so, today, I sit here writing as I get ready for another day at my job (which I love, by the way) and instead of gearing up for more abuse, I've decided to just love these girls. That's all they want...they want a voice, to be heard, and they want to be loved with all of their faults. Today, I'm taking on a new perspective.

Starting Over

       For as long as I can remember, I've battled the great battle known to most Americans, weight...This is a touchy subject for anyone. I think that this subject has been on the for-front of my mind since I was about 14. That's an awful long time to have something haunt you. I could go on and on about how everything went down-hill and where everything went wrong, but that doesn't change the present. It doesn't make anything better or justify where I am now in my life. All I know is that I am so ready for this battle to be over once and for all. I'm ready to take a step forward for good and never look back. I'm ready to be healthy and strong along with in shape. If you've never been where I am, then you don't understand. I know a few people who look at people like me and roll their eyes, saying things like, "You would be in shape and not eat wrong things if you truly love yourself." That is a true statement for sure, but some people just don't understand because they've never been where I am. They've never known a day of struggle. They will continue to look down their noses at people until they take a good look in the mirror and realize that the inside is just as important than the outside. But that's not all this is about....I could sit here and write about the very hurtful things people have told me...some just don't get that words are like swords that stick deeper than a blade. But I've decided to work on loving myself. If I truly love myself, I will take care of myself. It's not prideful to take pride in your body. It's not wrong to look in the mirror and call yourself beautiful. It's not vain to feel good about yourself. So, starting today, no one can help me but me. My friends can't save me, my kids can't save me, and my husband can't save me....I am the only one who can save me. I've decided today to START OVER. It's not ok to mess up....it's no longer ok to just eat a little bit of this or that....it's not a-ok to drink that because it's just a little bit. Excuses mean nothing anymore....there is no room for excuse because my life depends on it. I'm not waiting til I'm told by my doctor that either I do this or my health is gone. I can't wait for all of that. I've already had many a health problem in the past, and I'm just done. I'm done feeling bad for myself; so, don't feel badly for me. I wouldn't look at somebody and tell them how ugly and fat they are; so, I am no longer allowed to look in the mirror and do that to myself. I would NEVER tell someone they are a failure in life....I am no longer allowed to say that to myself. I don't practice hating others, but make it a part of me to love them....it's time to LOVE ME. Here's to starting over...