My Journey

       This has been a long journey, my health and all. I have to say that it has been on my mind since I was about 17, and I really don't want to pass that down to my own daughter. I will conquer this once and for all. I know that I have blogged over and over about this subject, but I am learning more things about myself in the past weeks and months of my life. I have learned that no one will help me with this like I want them to. I have learned that I can't blame anyone but myself. I have learned that most of the time I am not hungry or unmotivated, but I choose to take the "easy way out." I do know that, "I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." I look at some women in my life who have conquered this thing, and I tip my hat off to them. I also know that I refuse to give up. Yes, statements like, "You looked good," and "What did you do last time?" really get under my skin but it makes me mad enough to do something about this. I have been exercising more than I did a year ago, I do know that. I hurt afterwards, but I know that it's because I work so hard. I have lost 4 pounds this past week, but I know that that is just the beginning.
       Along with this journey is a spiritual journey that I continue to travel. I know that I have in no way arrived, but I also know that I am farther than I was a year ago. I am thankful for Godly parents who pray for me because God's grace is amazing in my life. I am thankful that I had the privilege to grow up in a Christian home because clearly it has been engraved in my heart. I can't go a single Sunday without going to church, and if I do miss, I feel like something is missing. Just going into the house of God, worshipping in His presence, makes the worries of the week fade into the background. I know that there is so much to learn in this life. I also know that I long to continue to be a witness for Him. I really miss singing. Music was/is my life. I sang constantly and played the piano. I was learning the guitar but kind of got away from that. I think that music has a healing power, and I know that for a fact as it has found it's healing power through the words that touch my heart.
        This is just the beginning of my journey. This is just a scratch off of the surface into my everyday life. I know that I am a work in progress, but I also know that I have and do obtain my goals. I have in the past, and I will continue to do so.

Reflection

       From about Saturday evening until this moment, I've been having an inner, personel struggle. No one knows but God, Himself...I stumbled upon this song on Sunday evening, and I've been playing it over and over again, singing along with an earnestness, only I understand. I long to feel His embrace, to know He is with me all of the time, and in fact, He is...I often try to pretend I can "do this life" all by myself and when that happens, I begin feeling so lost...we were not made to live this life alone...we were not made to be independent but to be co-dependent on Him, the ONE who made us. Until we recognize that fact, we will stumble and continue to fall and feel all alone in this world. Until we acknowledge that we are in fact NOT alone, and we cannot heal from all of our pain and sorrow on our own, we will continue to drown in our own sorrow and smother in the bed we created. I lose myself so many times, but in the end, I realize I'm not really lost....I just forgot to look behind me. Behind me and within, I have the ultimate map to this life. Within, I have the strength capable of doing anything I set my sights on and my dreams and desires will fall into place.
       "I can feel your presence here with me, suddenly I'm lost within your beauty. Caught up in the wonder of your touch, here in this moment I surrender. I surrender to your grace, I surrender to the one who took my place."

A New Perspective

    I watched the movie Soul Surfer the other day with a friend of mine, and a statement still rings clear in my head today..."Sometimes, you need a new perspective..." After being attacked by the shark that took off her arm, Bethany questioned, "Why me?" I admire the courage and faith she portrayed through this attack. Just last night, I was not attacked by a shark but I was attacked verbally. I may not have been injured and lost a limb, but feelings have to heal as well. I am working at not taking what people say to me to heart...to differentiate truth from fiction is a major goal in my life at this present moment. I don't have to take your words to heart especially if you are a broken person inside. Hurting people hurt people. Sometimes we are too close to a situation and we need to take a step back and get a "new perspective." Up close, it may seem like this person is something else, but if we just take a minute to stand back and examine the whole situation, we may see what we've been missing. And so, today, I sit here writing as I get ready for another day at my job (which I love, by the way) and instead of gearing up for more abuse, I've decided to just love these girls. That's all they want...they want a voice, to be heard, and they want to be loved with all of their faults. Today, I'm taking on a new perspective.

Starting Over

       For as long as I can remember, I've battled the great battle known to most Americans, weight...This is a touchy subject for anyone. I think that this subject has been on the for-front of my mind since I was about 14. That's an awful long time to have something haunt you. I could go on and on about how everything went down-hill and where everything went wrong, but that doesn't change the present. It doesn't make anything better or justify where I am now in my life. All I know is that I am so ready for this battle to be over once and for all. I'm ready to take a step forward for good and never look back. I'm ready to be healthy and strong along with in shape. If you've never been where I am, then you don't understand. I know a few people who look at people like me and roll their eyes, saying things like, "You would be in shape and not eat wrong things if you truly love yourself." That is a true statement for sure, but some people just don't understand because they've never been where I am. They've never known a day of struggle. They will continue to look down their noses at people until they take a good look in the mirror and realize that the inside is just as important than the outside. But that's not all this is about....I could sit here and write about the very hurtful things people have told me...some just don't get that words are like swords that stick deeper than a blade. But I've decided to work on loving myself. If I truly love myself, I will take care of myself. It's not prideful to take pride in your body. It's not wrong to look in the mirror and call yourself beautiful. It's not vain to feel good about yourself. So, starting today, no one can help me but me. My friends can't save me, my kids can't save me, and my husband can't save me....I am the only one who can save me. I've decided today to START OVER. It's not ok to mess up....it's no longer ok to just eat a little bit of this or that....it's not a-ok to drink that because it's just a little bit. Excuses mean nothing anymore....there is no room for excuse because my life depends on it. I'm not waiting til I'm told by my doctor that either I do this or my health is gone. I can't wait for all of that. I've already had many a health problem in the past, and I'm just done. I'm done feeling bad for myself; so, don't feel badly for me. I wouldn't look at somebody and tell them how ugly and fat they are; so, I am no longer allowed to look in the mirror and do that to myself. I would NEVER tell someone they are a failure in life....I am no longer allowed to say that to myself. I don't practice hating others, but make it a part of me to love them....it's time to LOVE ME. Here's to starting over...

A Little of This and That

       I have come to the conclusion that at this very moment in time, I feel as if I have nothing left to give. I've given and given of myself only to feel as if the reservoir has run dry. I don't feel selfish...only a sense of sadness as I look at what I've given and done in the past 16 months of my life. I enjoy helping others, but sometimes it grows old giving and giving and giving of yourself only to see that what you've done or thought you've done is thrown to the wind. Is it even possible to feel a sense of accomplishment in the line of work I do?  There has to be something because I don't do this for me anyway, but when I see those who don't want to move forward with life but instead say things like, " I really don't care," and you know that they mean it, you begin to wonder what in the world am I doing? 
       So, I look at my own two kids and I see that they are the most precious treasures in my life...a resource of true LOVE. They open my eyes to the reality of family, friendship and a source of self-worth. When I look into my daughter's eyes, I see a confident person....when I hold my son, I feel a deep unconditional love. They are so oblivious to this cold, dark world that we live in. They have no idea what it feels like to be stabbed in the back or lied to on a regular basis. In fact, I call these the "innocent years" that they are now living. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time when the only thing I worried about was when I had to come inside because it was too dark out to play, where I lived in a "dream world" of playing and acting out books with my sister, where the only thing that was on my mind was what I was doing at the current moment....I didn't have to worry about the future or even recall what I did in the past. I think we, as adults, spend too much time thinking about the past and focusing on the future....we forget what it's like to be a kid and just worry about right now, the moment, this present state...
        My mind is so tired right now and my heart is heavy....I have so much to think about but I think that a good night's rest will soothe my saddened soul...

True JUSTICE

       I feel the need to say your name

       With angry sighs and great disdain

       For how can you a human be

       Walking tall, and almost free

       You will not be forever be free

       For in your own chains you will be

       Bound by lies you dare to speak

       It's true justice we all will seek

       How can you stand there like a stone

       And barely a tear or emotion is shown

       How can you live with this monster inside

       Knowing that your own baby has died?

       You only show what you want to be seen

       But truth be told your soul isn't clean

       You knew that your dear baby had died

       Yet partied and acted like she's by your side

You think you're not guilty with lies thrown around

Yet your little Caylee is still in the ground

One day you will meet the ultimate JUDGE

And from the real verdict, He will not budge

For that is when true JUSTICE is served

No jury will be making you unnerved

And you cannot run for your fate will be sealed

The TRUTH will make these mortal wounds healed.

*About the sad Casey Anthony trial...had to get my thoughts on paper and move on...

      

For Those Who Cannot Speak

       I am a person with feelings too
          I may be small but I have dreams
       I love you with all of my little heart
         And although it always seems
       You don't want me around
          All I want to do is make you proud...

       I have small hands and a small feet
         A small nose and tiny ears
               When I laugh, it's at you and those near
         For you are my whole life
       And I don't even feel your strife...

            I don't know why you don't want me
        You are my everything
      Yet, you don't want me near
         I only want your true love
       I was given to you from above...

       I want to rest in sweet peace
         But I hope you can eventually too
       For I never did anything to you
         To make you hate me
        I only said, "I love you, Mommy!"
         But I don't think you saw me...

       I want to say I forgive you,Mom
          I only wanted you to love me
       Even though you didn't want me
          I want to place my hand in yours
       As we rest between the stars...


*while thinking about the Casey Anthony-trial...RIP Cailey Marie Anthony