Loyalty

       I have to say that I've been through alot of junk these past few months. Not only have people lied blatantly to my face, but also, people I thought I could trust truly showed me their real colors. In fact, as a young teenager, I would've put my face to the sky and said, "I'll never trust another soul." But I am not that teenager, but am an adult much to everyone's dismay. There are things that some people would like me to remember to my grave, but I feel in my heart that mistakes are to be learned from and life must move on. If you truly want to dredge up my failures and drag through the mud to make yourself feel better, then be my guest. I know deep in my heart that I need to move on, and move on with life I will. I look happily into the sunset and see a brighter future, a clearer tomorrow because all the gloom and sadness you brought into my life will but vanish from sight. I realize that people are brought into your life to test what you really are as a person. I must say that I have failed the test quite a few times, and the next time it is revealed, I plan on passing. I have confirmed my wounded spirit and call it healed. I know who I am and what I am capable of in this life. I know that words are powerful and can destroy and bring life. I choose to bring life to whoever crosses my path and the destruction that has once shattered my dreams will be rebuilt stronger than before. Yes, I have cried some tears as I am only human. Yes, I have raged in disbelief as I was in a weaker state of mind. I couldn't believe that someone could look me straight in the eyes and lie so boldly. I couldn't fathom believing in my heart that someone I trusted could in turn stab me in the back. But then, why couldn't they? Are we all but human who make decisions either out of fear or anger? Mostly decisions based on any type of feeling are wrong decisions. So, I say to you, I forgive you. I forgive you because I know deep inside you are a better person than you think. I know that you are capable of so much. I know that you were at your weakest moment. I know that someday you will look back and regret everything you did and you will need me as a friend. I can't turn my back on you. You see, there is something about me you don't realize nor understand fully. Once I am your friend, no matter where this life takes me or you, I will forever remain your friend. Yes, I have felt the pain on your betrayal. Yes, I have cried many tears, but know this, I forgive you...and I love you, my friend.

The Next Step

       Just this past Wednesday, my princess, Charity Joy, graduated from kindergarten with the most improved student in her class. This year has been a journey for us all, but God gave her an awesome teacher and helper. I think we were all beside ourselves at first, but Charity really matured this year and showed us all just how smart she is. She has such a passion for writing, even now. I think she may be taking after me in that part. I see so many papers laying around the house with her writing all over them. I never once doubted her ability to learn because I knew that she had a passion in her heart. I think she just struggled with the fact that she wanted to have EVERY answer right the first time and a mistake in her mind was the end of the world....so she froze. That smile, that she wears every single day of her life, is the sweetest smile I've ever experienced. Her smile in itself tells the whole world, "I'm beautiful inside and out." Charity knows no stranger as she would talk to everyone if I let her...I believe I've taught her well though to not talk to strangers. :)
       I believe with my whole heart that she is my angel...God gave her to me right when I thought life couldn't get any worse. She was my light in the darkest of my days. When I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel, I'd just look in her crib and watch her sleep. She was a sign of peace when there was turmoil...a source of love when there was hate. I named her the right name...CHARITY for the LOVE she brought my heart and JOY for the great joy she brought and brings to us all. I still remember the "surreal" feeling I felt when I first set my eyes on her little red face as her chin quivered and she cried as she entered this world. My mother's heart instantly loved her more than anything.
       Her never ending energy often frustrated me because I didn't know how to keep her entertained. Josh, my hubby, helped me alot in understanding her in that sense. He said he was that way when he was little...never ending energizer bunny! :) I'm not frustrated anymore as I've grown to understand that she is so creative with her hands. As long as she is doing some kind of craft or work, that girl is happy. As long as her hands are busy, she is calm.
       Now, onto the next step in her life....I know she will shine in whatever she does. I have faith that she will continue to excel as she has the same thirst for knowledge that I have. I love you, Charity Joy, and I'm so very proud of my princess.
      

When Faith Becomes Reality

       When you close your eyes while on this earth
         And open them above
       Your faith becomes reality
         As you see your Savior's love.

       You enter past the pearly gates
         What you see is more than read
       Your faith becomes reality
         While on those streets you tread.

       It's more than mind can fathom
         Far greater than words can paint
       Your faith becomes reality
         When you meet up with the saints.

       You stand before your Savior
         Then bow before His throne
       Your faith becomes reality
         It's by His grace alone.

       So, weep dear friends and loved ones
         But do not cry for long
       One day your faith will come to light
         And you'll join the saints with song.

*Dedicated to one of America's most gifted musicians, Rick Bartel. What you have taught and left behind will forever be remembered by many. We'll see you again someday.

      

Reflections

       I often come to places in my life where I sit back and reflect on my past memories and future dreams. I've been doing that alot lately. It truly seems like a lifetime ago that I was a teenager going through life wondering when I could be "free" from what I thought was smothering me. I then went off to college and wanted to be "free" from myself as I saw myself. I was always striving to please others around me especially the people I looked up to the most. I felt that I was constantly letting people down because I didn't do this or that. You would think that I would've gotten into a world of trouble with that mentality, but I really didn't. Instead, I was caught up in a web of "approval addiction." I distinctly remember crying myself to sleep at night because I was so torn as to who to please the most never once thinking that this is pure craziness. You can't please everyone, and you most definitely won't. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it all different. I would be pleasing myself and my God while all others looked up to me. I have gained a sense of confidence in the past year knowing that I have the ability to change my life and the possibilities are endless of what I can do. I know that whatever I put my mind to will be done, and I know that and goal I set, I can achieve. I couldn't go through life without my God. He has made me stronger and more confident. We all mess up and make mistakes...it's just what we do afterwards that counts. We may have to pay a price, but if we just learn from our mistakes and help others, that's all that matters. Learn to walk the "love walk" and others will see you as different than everyone else. These are just a few of my reflections this time around...

The BIG WIND

       On May 31, 1985, I was awakened in the middle of the night by my mom who told me to get up and put on my socks and shoes. I could hear the wind whipping around our house, and I was afraid of thunderstorms to begin with; so, I immediately began to panick inside. I vaguely remember my dad ushering me, my mom and my baby sister down to our basement, and after he knew we were safe, he went upstairs out on our porch. By this time, my heart was pounding so loud, I could barely breathe, and my mom was as calm as could be as was my baby sister, Jo, who was only 3 months old and sound asleep in her little carseat. My dad came downstairs and prayed with us, and by then my knees were knocking together, I was so scared. My parents re-call me asking over and over again, "Where's the big wind? Are we going to be ok from the big wind?" I remember hearing what sounded like a freight train barreling over our house. I was so scared because I knew we didn't have any trains nearby, and I couldn't figure out what in the world the noise was. Later on, my mom told me that it was "the big wind" I was so afraid of. This tornado actually went over our house and touched down in a town nearby, demolishing a fire house, gas station and cemetary. My dad was out on the porch for most of the storm just watching the clouds. I remember that night and it had such an impact on my life, I decided to do one of my school reports on tornados. Tornados scared the daylights out of me because they seemed like this giant monster that man can't control.
       I remember watching, as a teenager, movies such as Twister, over and over again, in wonderment of these "storm-chasers" who actually lived to chase these monsters. To see the damage that can be done, clearly shows us that this is something that only can be controlled by a Higher Power. How could you research these storms and not believe in a mighty God and His creation?
       Last night was such a blurr to me...I don't know if I would've woken up because I was in such a deep sleep but when Josh, my husband woke me, I immediately became alert as I heard the storm whipping up outside. I could feel my heart begin to pound in my ears as I ushered my kids to the basement. Josh kept telling me to lay down on the bed he had made up for me and the kids, and all I could think was, he obviously doesn't know a mom very well because a mom will NOT go to sleep until she knows all is calm and her kids are safe. I sat on the edge of the bed "protecting them" and visualizing what I would do if a tornado did hit. At this time, I did not know that his parents were hit earlier in the night. It wasn't until I lay down that he decided to text it to me so as to not scare Charity and JW. I immediately jumped up again  and paced the floor. By then, the tornado warnings were up for our area, and I could feel my heart in my throat and my knees begin to knock, but I refused to say out loud just how scared I was. Here it was 26 years later, and this time, I was the mom and my two kids were watching me. I tried to comfort them and make them comfortable but I think they sensed the storm as we could still hear it in the basement. I didn't sleep all night...I only slept from midnight to 3 AM before the storm hit us. Then, even after the alerts were gone, I couldn't close my eyes without seeing images of disaster in my mind and wondering if our family had a roof over their heads as I was laying in a dry place. I felt guilty going to sleep knowing that I had family who was among devastation.
       After seeing the pictures of the devastation in Glade Spring, I know that God sent His protection to my family. There are no other explanations for it. Seeing the damage and wondering how in the world people survived that is unbelievable. I just have this peace that passes all understanding that God is in control and He takes care of His own. Thank you, Jesus, for my family and their safety. I don't have to fear "The Big Wind" because I know the God who is much greater than His creation.

Memories Still My Aching Heart

        I think, we as humans, don't want to see our loved ones move out of this world, but we, as Christians, know that this world is not our home, but Heaven is our final resting place. It's still hard to see someone we love move away; we miss them, not only because they are gone from our presence, but also because we don't know when our walk down here will end. In the past 30 years of my life, I have seen many end their walk down here, many of whom I loved as my own family. And, although, I am human and have shed many tears, I have that hope that I will see them all again. That in itself is a comfort.
        Some of my best friends have been up in years, but it didn't bother me because they have a wisdom beyond my years. I have endless memories of sunny days spent on a porch swing just talking "about the good old days," playing piano duets with one the greatest pianists I have ever known, Grandma Bobbi, and most recently, long talks in the kitchen of Grandma Mae. I spent endless hours with Grandma Bobbi, playing Scrabble, her favorite game, playing the piano, her favorite instrument, and talking. I'd often ride my bike to her house after my paper route was over or my homework was done in high school. She watched me grow up and often spoke of the time she babysat me while my parents went to an adult outing at church. Her favorite story was of me singing, "Zacchaeus was a wee little man and a wee little man was he...." I have no recollection of this event, but she reminded me every single time I came to visit. I would sit for hours at her piano, attempting to play songs too hard for my ability, but she was always the words of encouragement. We often played duets and just took turns playing the piano. When I received the news that she went Home, I was out of state in college. I had no way of going home to the funeral; all I had were the memories of which I am thankful.
        In the last several years, I have had the opportunity to meet yet another dear saint who became a close friend of mine, Grandma Mae. She never was able to have biological children, but she was blessed with more children and grandchildren than anyone I know. She loved my kids like her own grand kids, and would often "tear up" when I had to leave, walking me to my car and often standing at my window, talking away, hoping we could stay longer. Last year when she was in the hospital, my kids picked out a white, stuffed Easter bunny and had me give it to her. It meant the world to her, and every time she saw the kids, she'd say to them, "My Easter bunny is waiting for you on my couch; when are going to come and see him?" She kept everything anyone ever gave to her, and every time I'd visit her, she'd take the time to show me even if she had already showed me everything. After this past Christmas, she had ALL of her gifts from various people stacked on her couch, and we spent quite a long time going through everything and she'd have a story for each gift all the way to a pair of socks she swore she'd "never wear, but you should take them honey because they look more like your style."
        This past Sunday evening, I had an awesome "last talk" with Grandma Mae, and it was like she was trying to tell me "good-bye." I believe she already knew deep in her heart that it wouldn't be long. I laughed and said, "Don't talk like that! You're still young...what are you now, 25?" She just smiled and patted my hand. I asked her when her birthday was because she NEVER would tell me before. She told me it was past, January 23. I told her I'd be getting her a gift soon. She smiled again and gave me a big bear hug and told me she loved me.
        Wednesday evening, I heard the news she had finally gone Home. I didn't know it would affect me like it did, but I felt a deep ache in my heart. But, as I was walking outside around sunset last night, I looked at the sky and knew she was in the presence of our Lord and Earth was the farthest thing from her mind. It was selfish for me to want her back here. She was re-united with her husband, family members who had gone before and friends, but more importantly with the Christ who rose from the grave over 2000 years ago.
        I haven't told Charity and JW yet, Grandma Mae, but I will, I promise. They can treasure those memories with you, jumping in your leaves, playing with your stuffed animals, and the piles of junk food. I love you, and I'll see you again on the other side.

Various Thoughts and Poetry

       I carry a little red book in my purse at various times, thoughts, prayers, or poetry come to mind, and I will jot them down as quickly as they come to mind. I was writing in that book this morning as a poem came to mind; after I had written it down, I was reminded of the time I started to write...I was eleven years old and we had moved away from my home...I felt lonely most of the time, and I had turned to my journals and writing everything down. Those journals have somehow been lost through the years, but I do have some of my college journals around along with the ones I have written since I've been married. Here is the poem I wrote just this morning:

Though You're Gone

Even though you're gone

I can hear your voice

Even though you're gone

I can see your smile

Even though you're gone

I know you're with me

Day after day, mile after mile.

I hear your robust laughter

I turn my head and stop

My heart sinks lower than low

Knowing you're everywhere I go.

Even though you're gone

I still feel your hand in mine

 Even though you're gone

I still see your smiling face

Even though you're gone

I still feel your presence

Your memory my heart can't erase.

I miss you more than life itself

When alone in the silence

My heart, itself, cries out

Just to once more see your face.

They say that time heals all

 But I seem to know otherwise

Time reminds me of growing older

Without the sight of your kind eyes.

It's not good-bye but see you again

Yet life will always remind me

Of our time down here

My blood, my family.