Standing in the Shadow-lands

       Yes, it's true, I grew up in a pretty good home. My earliest memories are mornings with my daddy in our little kitchen. He would be sitting at the kitchen table, and I would have my little dish rag drying the breakfast dishes. My mom was the only one who worked during those days as my dad stayed home with me. He was having a hard time finding a job, and I know he felt badly. Yet, I would never trade those days with him because those memories are precious. I remember he was a deep person even as I have become to this day. Me and my father are alike in many ways except for the very fact that I have always cared what others thought of me and what I had to say. It was like I was holding back within the shadows of whatever it was that I had built at a very young age.
       Looking in the mirror, I am very proud of my heritage and I would like very much to rise up and speak to the world and tell them exactly who I am. It's not really for them to know, but a sort of exercise for my own sake, to show myself that it's ok to step into the light and speak out for what I believe. I have no problem telling those closest to me how I am feeling. Sometimes I do go too far with my unsought advice, but those who know me, know that it comes from a heart of love and care. I would never intentionally hurt others as I have been hurt through the years.
       My earliest memories of being told that I was too out-spoken was when I was only 4 years old! I remember standing up to an adult telling them they shouldn't talk that way to a little girl. The adult looked at me like I had 4 heads and told me to live up to the expectations of my father being in a position at church. I then remember throughout the years standing up for those who were underprivileged, and then there came a point where what I had to say didn't really matter anymore. I was told that I had to come from a bad home or experience something horrific to really matter. I remember trying to be heard, and I would do ridiculous things trying to be noticed.
       The adults in my life wouldn't believe that I was behind the ridiculous stunts but would blame others around me. That was a huge disappointment to me because I wanted to heard even if it was in a negative light. I realize that sounds twisted to some degree, but looking back, I just see a girl who wanted her voice to be heard. There came a point where I stopped trying to be seen and heard, and I retreated within myself keeping most of what I thought and felt buried deeply inside my being. I even chose what I wanted to do in my life because I thought it would make all of those around me happy. I fully didn't make a decision based on who I really was, but God knew what was happening as I delved into the world of obtaining a degree in secondary education majoring in English and music. Those were my passions, and to this day, music screams when words aren't enough and words are just my life as I pursue my writing career.
       To some, I am perceived as a quiet, meek girl and to others, I can be seen as sweet and innocent and easily run over....but I would like to tell you who I am inside:

When the tears run down your face

I can feel the pain that dwells inside

Sometimes I hold back

But all I want to do is hold your hand

I want to grab the pain that caused your tears

And throw it out into the universe...

When injustice is served, I want to be your defender

Because you may not have a voice

But I can prove you don't deserve hate...

When you sit in silence

I want to scream, I know what you are feeling

Because it's where I once lived

Stiff and afraid of being who I really am...

When you say I am living a lie

I want to scream, "Then do you really know me?"

I may not walk the road you wish for me

I may not live up to your expectations

But I know love....

Love for mankind, love for creation, love for the universe...

I am an advocate, a servant, a healer of broken hearts

My drive in life is to break the very fears that once threatened

To break my soul

Not only within me but in my children and others who walk

Where I once walked....

I am driven to speak truth where fear is present

And show others that perfect LOVE casts out fear...

Any fear you may possess

Any voice that screams it's not worth it,

I will whisper into the darkness

That it's really ok...

The bondage and chains that have bogged you down

Afraid of showing your heart

Afraid of following your passions

Afraid of falling in love

Afraid of trusting again

Afraid of life....

There is only one way for it all to fall away

To shatter into a thousand pieces.

Speak what you are afraid of the most

But don't say you are afraid

Scream what you are hiding

But don't continue to hide within the shadows.....

       So, I tell you with an open heart that it's ok to tell the world that you care. It's ok to stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves. It's ok to care about someone even if they shove you away. It's ok to tell someone what they are saying to you is heard but not accepted. You don't have to take abuse of any kind. You don't have to live in fear of who you really are. You can be who you want to be. You can influence so many by just speaking out. In a day and age where bullying runs rampant in the schools and even in the workplace, it's ok to say something. Don't be afraid of somebody and how they present themselves. Don't be afraid to tell someone that what is being done is wrong; don't be afraid to set boundaries and stick to your guns. Don't be afraid to fall in love. Don't be afraid to trust again even if you have been hurt by a multitude of people. I have been there. I have experienced bullying all through school and in work places. I rarely stood up for myself. I allowed it to happen and retreated deep within myself. I saw my sister stand up for herself and others and she was perceived as a rebel who couldn't shut up. I see her as brave and unafraid to be who she was. Looking back, I should've protected her better. I should never have allowed what happened to her happen. To the people who thought they were fulfilling God's plan, you are wrong! You were bullies! You thought you could bully your way through my family! I am not angry at you, but I am now aware of who you really were. I can now turn away and step out of the shadows and be who I really am, be who I once was at the age of 4 standing up for that little girl.

The Heart's Woven Web

Sometimes there are no words to speak

I can see your tear-drops fall

Like rain in the mellow mist

I can feel your heart as it beats

I can see your smile paint the northern sky

I can reach out and touch your trembling hand

 I can see within the shadows on the wall

And know that peace fills your entire being

And the moondrops that dance around your bed

Paint a picture of light and warmth

I can listen to the falling leaves and the whistling wind

And still hear the faintest cry uttered from your lips

To know that you are feeling

To see that you need human touch

To understand when in the quiet of tomorrow

You can rest and find the answers searched

To reconcile within the recesses of your inner soul

And know that there is always a brighter tomorrow

Laughter combined with the faintest tint of wine

Runs over like a river of happiness

And sets your soul free to listen and observe....

 All of this because your soul is knit like a spider's web

With strands of silk so tightly woven

And strengthens with the hands of time.

Hands clasping hands, hearts touching hearts

 Forever in the reality of the unknown

And yet able to withstand the harshest of winter's chilly wind.

Finding My Voice

Somewhere amidst the vastness of your embrace

I lost what was truly mine

For years, I have been a wandering gnome

Lost within the sea of emerald green

But it really felt like smothering, hot sand
Threatening to choke the very life out of me
A clone identical to all of the others
Thinking, dreaming, appearing, walking, talking
Appearances seem to be everything in that world
Not many took the time to find reality
Digging deep under the massive structure
Walls made of iron and stone, unbreakable
Robotic, uncensored, yet programmed all the same
I was too afraid to find my way
Out of the tangled vines and smoldering jungle
Steam rose whenever I stepped forward
Taking my very breath away
Making it hard to breathe
Adrenaline pumping through my veins, heart pounding
The end was very near, or so I was made to think
When all else failed, I was frozen in place
Pressured into this being who wasn't really me...

Now, I stand, alone, and very still
The dust seems to be clearing
And for the first time,
I am beginning to see my way to the mirror
My reflection is like deja vu
It seems familiar, as if to be my very friend
Somehow, I always knew who I was
Deep inside, buried for so long
This person, born a steady girl with outspokenness
Ready to face the world
Able to take what came her way
This girl I see in the glass
Truly who I've always been and am now finding...
My friend, confidant, missing puzzle piece
A voice, strong and clear
No misunderstandings from what came from her mouth
Confident in what she wanted, and ready to take it
A tender heart, yet able to set healthy boundaries
This is me, finding my voice
And hearing it loud and clear, head held high...
I can't hide or be what you want me to be
But I can listen and hear what you are saying.
I won't judge you or twist you to make you into someone else
Because in so doing so, I will have become
What once threatened to choke the life out of me.