The way you close your eyes and think when you open them
Everything will have been just a long bad dream...
The way you choke back any tears that may surface
Because to cry in front of others is to make yourself a little less,
Or so you think...
The way you feel as if you are all alone in this world
Even if there is always someone there to say, "I love you..."
The way you walk into an empty house and just wish that for once
Just one time, the floor would open and swallow you whole....
The way you listen to those around you and you hear what they have to say
But it just seems to vanish into the night, like fleeting wisps of air...
The way it hurts to smile anymore because you know you are empty
There is something missing
There is something that isn't right
You have everyone
Yet have no one
Any words of comfort burn holes into your skin
Melting you into total nothingness
Making you feel like the monster you have learned to hate....
The last couple of weeks have been a trying and testing time in my life. I am happy to say that things are starting to look up for me. I had some trying times throughout several parts of my life between learning more about myself and how I respond to certain situations. One thing that remains true is knowing if the same thing happens over and over again in ones' life, it probably stands to note that a certain lesson has not been learned in that given situation. If the lesson had been learned, so much turmoil wouldn't be felt over and over, but instead, we would be able to brush it off and move on with our life.
For years, I have felt totally misunderstood, and I would become terribly frustrated with that knowledge. It was like whatever I did, someone had to question me as if I was a moron or had never really lived on this planet, Earth. More and more every day, I am beginning to not only understand myself but also am beginning to be okay with who I am. People still scratch their heads at me, but it really doesn't matter, because why I did something cannot always be answered, even by me.
I refuse to become jaded from experiences and trials that have crossed my path. I refuse to give up on the dreams and goals that I have set for myself. I set my standards ridiculously high, in many people's minds, but the truth of the matter is, what is the definition of "ridiculously high?" Is it really absurd to dream a dream? Is it also absurd to dare reach beyond the stars? I think not.
For example: when I was a Senior in high school, I set a goal to become the valedictorian, and I accomplished that goal. Who cares if my Senior class was small...what matters is that it was reached. I also continued to tell everyone that I would go to college and graduate with my Bachelor's in English and music....once again, those goals were met. I also said that I would meet and marry the man of my dreams and be married by August 2003. I remember the laughter and comments and the rolling of eyes...."Oh, Elizabeth! You can't possibly know that or predict the future!" "Oh, Elizabeth, you have a great sense of humor!" I would become miffed because I really believed in my dreams becoming a reality, and they did. I said that I would have the perfect family: one girl and one boy. I have both. I am not a fortune teller. I cannot predict the future.
The thing is this: all of those things happened and then....NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!! All of that happened and no more goals were set. It was as if my life was over...oh, it wasn't over per say, but what else? I became stagnant....I became depressed. I became lost....I was sinking and there was nobody around to help me back up. I was desperately floating and living each and every day like a lifeless robot. There was not one single person who truly tried to help me out of it. I will say this though....my husband did try and he was at a loss of what to do. We actually both were struggling in our lives. We both were lost. We were alone.
Then God graciously began to open my eyes little by little, and it was through a really good friend of mine that I began to see life a little differently. I began to stop pointing my fingers at everyone around me and instead, I began to look in the mirror. I didn't see anyone but just ME. You see, my spirit has been broken into a million pieces by different things that have happened throughout my life, but God has been healing me piece by piece. Every day, I choose to forgive. Every single day, I choose to stop and not become angry at the drop of a hat. Every day I am practicing to see others as Christ would see them. I am tested and tried every single minute of every day. I don't have to always be right. I also have nothing to prove to anyone. I am a Christian, and I do not live with condemnation.
For years, I lived in a world where God was the "BIG MEANY" up there in Heaven, and I must mind my "p's and q's." Now, I live each and every day of my life knowing that He loves me and forgave me the minute I trusted in Him. My path is no longer dark. I have set a few new goals, and my life is moving forward. Life is good, and I give all of the credit to Him.
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