A Little of This and That

       I have come to the conclusion that at this very moment in time, I feel as if I have nothing left to give. I've given and given of myself only to feel as if the reservoir has run dry. I don't feel selfish...only a sense of sadness as I look at what I've given and done in the past 16 months of my life. I enjoy helping others, but sometimes it grows old giving and giving and giving of yourself only to see that what you've done or thought you've done is thrown to the wind. Is it even possible to feel a sense of accomplishment in the line of work I do?  There has to be something because I don't do this for me anyway, but when I see those who don't want to move forward with life but instead say things like, " I really don't care," and you know that they mean it, you begin to wonder what in the world am I doing? 
       So, I look at my own two kids and I see that they are the most precious treasures in my life...a resource of true LOVE. They open my eyes to the reality of family, friendship and a source of self-worth. When I look into my daughter's eyes, I see a confident person....when I hold my son, I feel a deep unconditional love. They are so oblivious to this cold, dark world that we live in. They have no idea what it feels like to be stabbed in the back or lied to on a regular basis. In fact, I call these the "innocent years" that they are now living. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the time when the only thing I worried about was when I had to come inside because it was too dark out to play, where I lived in a "dream world" of playing and acting out books with my sister, where the only thing that was on my mind was what I was doing at the current moment....I didn't have to worry about the future or even recall what I did in the past. I think we, as adults, spend too much time thinking about the past and focusing on the future....we forget what it's like to be a kid and just worry about right now, the moment, this present state...
        My mind is so tired right now and my heart is heavy....I have so much to think about but I think that a good night's rest will soothe my saddened soul...

True JUSTICE

       I feel the need to say your name

       With angry sighs and great disdain

       For how can you a human be

       Walking tall, and almost free

       You will not be forever be free

       For in your own chains you will be

       Bound by lies you dare to speak

       It's true justice we all will seek

       How can you stand there like a stone

       And barely a tear or emotion is shown

       How can you live with this monster inside

       Knowing that your own baby has died?

       You only show what you want to be seen

       But truth be told your soul isn't clean

       You knew that your dear baby had died

       Yet partied and acted like she's by your side

You think you're not guilty with lies thrown around

Yet your little Caylee is still in the ground

One day you will meet the ultimate JUDGE

And from the real verdict, He will not budge

For that is when true JUSTICE is served

No jury will be making you unnerved

And you cannot run for your fate will be sealed

The TRUTH will make these mortal wounds healed.

*About the sad Casey Anthony trial...had to get my thoughts on paper and move on...

      

For Those Who Cannot Speak

       I am a person with feelings too
          I may be small but I have dreams
       I love you with all of my little heart
         And although it always seems
       You don't want me around
          All I want to do is make you proud...

       I have small hands and a small feet
         A small nose and tiny ears
               When I laugh, it's at you and those near
         For you are my whole life
       And I don't even feel your strife...

            I don't know why you don't want me
        You are my everything
      Yet, you don't want me near
         I only want your true love
       I was given to you from above...

       I want to rest in sweet peace
         But I hope you can eventually too
       For I never did anything to you
         To make you hate me
        I only said, "I love you, Mommy!"
         But I don't think you saw me...

       I want to say I forgive you,Mom
          I only wanted you to love me
       Even though you didn't want me
          I want to place my hand in yours
       As we rest between the stars...


*while thinking about the Casey Anthony-trial...RIP Cailey Marie Anthony

      

Loyalty

       I have to say that I've been through alot of junk these past few months. Not only have people lied blatantly to my face, but also, people I thought I could trust truly showed me their real colors. In fact, as a young teenager, I would've put my face to the sky and said, "I'll never trust another soul." But I am not that teenager, but am an adult much to everyone's dismay. There are things that some people would like me to remember to my grave, but I feel in my heart that mistakes are to be learned from and life must move on. If you truly want to dredge up my failures and drag through the mud to make yourself feel better, then be my guest. I know deep in my heart that I need to move on, and move on with life I will. I look happily into the sunset and see a brighter future, a clearer tomorrow because all the gloom and sadness you brought into my life will but vanish from sight. I realize that people are brought into your life to test what you really are as a person. I must say that I have failed the test quite a few times, and the next time it is revealed, I plan on passing. I have confirmed my wounded spirit and call it healed. I know who I am and what I am capable of in this life. I know that words are powerful and can destroy and bring life. I choose to bring life to whoever crosses my path and the destruction that has once shattered my dreams will be rebuilt stronger than before. Yes, I have cried some tears as I am only human. Yes, I have raged in disbelief as I was in a weaker state of mind. I couldn't believe that someone could look me straight in the eyes and lie so boldly. I couldn't fathom believing in my heart that someone I trusted could in turn stab me in the back. But then, why couldn't they? Are we all but human who make decisions either out of fear or anger? Mostly decisions based on any type of feeling are wrong decisions. So, I say to you, I forgive you. I forgive you because I know deep inside you are a better person than you think. I know that you are capable of so much. I know that you were at your weakest moment. I know that someday you will look back and regret everything you did and you will need me as a friend. I can't turn my back on you. You see, there is something about me you don't realize nor understand fully. Once I am your friend, no matter where this life takes me or you, I will forever remain your friend. Yes, I have felt the pain on your betrayal. Yes, I have cried many tears, but know this, I forgive you...and I love you, my friend.

The Next Step

       Just this past Wednesday, my princess, Charity Joy, graduated from kindergarten with the most improved student in her class. This year has been a journey for us all, but God gave her an awesome teacher and helper. I think we were all beside ourselves at first, but Charity really matured this year and showed us all just how smart she is. She has such a passion for writing, even now. I think she may be taking after me in that part. I see so many papers laying around the house with her writing all over them. I never once doubted her ability to learn because I knew that she had a passion in her heart. I think she just struggled with the fact that she wanted to have EVERY answer right the first time and a mistake in her mind was the end of the world....so she froze. That smile, that she wears every single day of her life, is the sweetest smile I've ever experienced. Her smile in itself tells the whole world, "I'm beautiful inside and out." Charity knows no stranger as she would talk to everyone if I let her...I believe I've taught her well though to not talk to strangers. :)
       I believe with my whole heart that she is my angel...God gave her to me right when I thought life couldn't get any worse. She was my light in the darkest of my days. When I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnel, I'd just look in her crib and watch her sleep. She was a sign of peace when there was turmoil...a source of love when there was hate. I named her the right name...CHARITY for the LOVE she brought my heart and JOY for the great joy she brought and brings to us all. I still remember the "surreal" feeling I felt when I first set my eyes on her little red face as her chin quivered and she cried as she entered this world. My mother's heart instantly loved her more than anything.
       Her never ending energy often frustrated me because I didn't know how to keep her entertained. Josh, my hubby, helped me alot in understanding her in that sense. He said he was that way when he was little...never ending energizer bunny! :) I'm not frustrated anymore as I've grown to understand that she is so creative with her hands. As long as she is doing some kind of craft or work, that girl is happy. As long as her hands are busy, she is calm.
       Now, onto the next step in her life....I know she will shine in whatever she does. I have faith that she will continue to excel as she has the same thirst for knowledge that I have. I love you, Charity Joy, and I'm so very proud of my princess.
      

When Faith Becomes Reality

       When you close your eyes while on this earth
         And open them above
       Your faith becomes reality
         As you see your Savior's love.

       You enter past the pearly gates
         What you see is more than read
       Your faith becomes reality
         While on those streets you tread.

       It's more than mind can fathom
         Far greater than words can paint
       Your faith becomes reality
         When you meet up with the saints.

       You stand before your Savior
         Then bow before His throne
       Your faith becomes reality
         It's by His grace alone.

       So, weep dear friends and loved ones
         But do not cry for long
       One day your faith will come to light
         And you'll join the saints with song.

*Dedicated to one of America's most gifted musicians, Rick Bartel. What you have taught and left behind will forever be remembered by many. We'll see you again someday.

      

Reflections

       I often come to places in my life where I sit back and reflect on my past memories and future dreams. I've been doing that alot lately. It truly seems like a lifetime ago that I was a teenager going through life wondering when I could be "free" from what I thought was smothering me. I then went off to college and wanted to be "free" from myself as I saw myself. I was always striving to please others around me especially the people I looked up to the most. I felt that I was constantly letting people down because I didn't do this or that. You would think that I would've gotten into a world of trouble with that mentality, but I really didn't. Instead, I was caught up in a web of "approval addiction." I distinctly remember crying myself to sleep at night because I was so torn as to who to please the most never once thinking that this is pure craziness. You can't please everyone, and you most definitely won't. If I had to do it all over again, I would do it all different. I would be pleasing myself and my God while all others looked up to me. I have gained a sense of confidence in the past year knowing that I have the ability to change my life and the possibilities are endless of what I can do. I know that whatever I put my mind to will be done, and I know that and goal I set, I can achieve. I couldn't go through life without my God. He has made me stronger and more confident. We all mess up and make mistakes...it's just what we do afterwards that counts. We may have to pay a price, but if we just learn from our mistakes and help others, that's all that matters. Learn to walk the "love walk" and others will see you as different than everyone else. These are just a few of my reflections this time around...