10,000 Reasons to Worship

       Each day is new, bringing fresh beginnings...
     The sun comes up, adorning new life...
   I have air to breathe and legs to walk...
You died for only me.
       You, alone, bring me true peace...
     I bow in Your presence, lifting my hands,
   I walk in newness of life, renewed by Your strength...
I lift my eyes to the mountains, reading your gift to Earth.
       Your love is ever present in everything I see and touch,
     You majesty adorns the fields and the valleys...
   Your grace is new every morning, exceeding all else,
And your goodness endures forever.
       10,000 reasons to worship only You...
     You have never failed me and never will...
   You have a peace that passes all understanding,
And a loyalty beyond what any man can give.
       The sands of the sea could never contain these,
     Nor the oceans be truly full to show it...
   I lift my voice to the Heavens, arraying the evening sky,
My heart is full and my cup truly runneth over.
       Your heart is forever filled with kindness...
     Your grace is made perfect in all my weakness...
   You forgive when my strength fails me over and over...
Still I'll continue to fall to my knees and worship only YOU.

Musings from Charlottesville

       Yesterday, I went with my best friend to visit where she is going to be moving. I sat in the lobby of the hospital as she was upstairs in an interview, and I decided to take that time to sit, think, write, observe and just be still. Here is what I wrote:
       Sitting here at the University of Virginia near a pediatric and maternity ward, I am able to observe a variety of people including various nationalities and patients. The variety is vast from expectant mothers, stooped elderly Indian women to the young girl being wheeled out by a woman who appears to be her mother. Me and this particular girl lock eyes for a brief second...her beautifully knit baby blue hat covering her head as to cheerfully say, "Look at me! I'm still beautiful despite the fact all of my hair is gone from battling this monster called cancer." It tugs at my heart strings as she appeared to be around the same age as my own daughter, yet her eyes showed me an age beyond her years. These observations, these musings lead me to the same question, "What am I, Elizabeth, supposed to be doing with my life?" I wonder for a brief second, and then it dawns on me, no matter what path I choose, no matter what I decide, I will always work best at helping people, for it lies within my personal make-up. It is hard-wired within me, and it is who I am. So, writing will always be a huge part of me, but "acts of service" allow me to have the information and words needed to be penned and read by me and also others.
       I thoroughly enjoyed being out of my element yesterday. I had plenty of time to sit and think. I've been doing a great deal of that since Sunday afternoon. So much has been on my mind. I can feel a change coming in my life, and I don't know exactly what it is. All I know is God is laying on my heart to sit and think....sit and observe...sit and be quiet. I've picked up writing again. For a while, my pen had run dry. My words were gone...there was nothing to say. I wasn't sad or depressed, I just didn't know where the fire went. Now, I know that this is the time, the transitional period of my life to bigger and better things. I know that change is good, change is for the better. I realize that no matter where life takes me, God will always be by my side, guiding me each step of the way. Friends may come and go, but God remains forever the same.

United as ONE

       Going about our everyday lives, pretending that nothing really matters but ourselves has become quite a disease. I've learned over the past 7 years that what really matters is not myself but those around me. I've had layer after layer broken down as the real me is being revealed. I have found that we are born into this world as selfish beings, wanting our mother's undivided attention. It's natural for us to want to think only of ourselves. It's the totally unnatural that really matters in this life though....living for others. So often we say things out of hurt and pain, not thinking of the other's feelings...we are simply trying to appease our own flesh all the while not thinking that the other might be in far more pain.
       Not only are we a selfish human race, we also have become divided in what man calls religion. I don't think Christ came to Earth for religion. He didn't walk among men for rules and regulations. He didn't heal the sick or raise the dead for man-made rules. No, he came to this Earth to walk as we walk....to experience what we experience. He was tempted just like you and I. Somehow, we have become like those Pharisees who put Him to death. We think our way is the only way and nothing else matters. I beg to differ...my God came to show that nothing else even matters but LOVE. "Greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his life for his friends..." We fight and cause division while the world looks on in confusion at our so-called Christianity. Whatever happened to uniting as one for the cause of Christ? To walk this earth as He did, teaching and living LOVE would be the ultimate proof of our Christianity.
Instead, we hold up signs, stand in line, put out petitions, say we are against certain things, cause a big ruckus, tear people down with lies and gossip.
       I strive to live like Jesus did....those around me know me and my heart, and while it is far from perfect, I choose daily to forgive...I don't stand against those who are lost in themselves...I give of myself to help my family, friends and those who need me. I refuse to cast stones on the fallen or categorize those who are different. Unity has become a forgotten word in the English language....we need to stand together as ONE united in LOVE so His light will shine through.

Don't Let Me Fall

       Right when you begin to think that nothing could ever break your heart again, that there is nothing left in the world that could hurt more, nothing to crush your ideals, dreams, basically world, it hits....it hits so hard, it knocks the air right out of your lungs. You keep telling yourself to breathe, just inhale, then exhale....one breath at a time...breathing is good. You need to breathe to live. Then, right when you've mastered breathing again, the pain in your heart is sharp, so sharp and you feel the tears just streaming down your face. These tears keep coming, strong and fast, and usually, crying helps; it cleanses the soul and you feel healed. Only this time, crying only helps for a few hours. Usually as you wet your pillow each night with those tears, the pain goes away for the 6 to 8 hours you sleep. When you wake up, that dull ache returns. You wonder what day you can wake up and the ache be gone. You tell yourself it's going to be all ok....that this is a dream and you will wake up for real very soon. Then, one day turns into the next, and you begin to realize that this is for real. This isn't going away overnight, and there is nothing you can do but pray...pray, wipe your tears, and go on with life because that's what this really is, LIFE. Your eyes are opened once and for all. Life happens, and then we die. But, it's best to not just let life happen. It's better to happen to life. So, you pick yourself back up, put on that smile even though your spirit doesn't feel it....you look in the mirror and say, "I'm going up, don't let me fall....."

Falling Asleep

       Sinking back into the pillowy cloud of nothingness...staring blankly at the sky, quiet tears rolled down her face, burning into the memory of her heart. Nothing could erase all that she had done...nothing could ease the inner pain. No one could ever imagine the turmoil deep inside, for she only showed this weakness within the shadows. She had grown accustomed to burying any feeling she ever felt deep within...no love, no hate, no happiness, no pain would ever be shown to anyone, not even her closest friends. She couldn't allow any sign of weakness to taint what she had become. She wouldn't shed a tear for anyone to see. And, so she lay there within the darkness, all alone...nothing to keep her company except maybe her pillow. Her chest was burning and squeezing with this pain, so great that she wondered if she would ever see the light of day again. How long could she hold onto this facade? How long before she broke? Before these feelings came flooding and crashing her own made-up world? Could she ever really trust or allow anyone in? Could she really know who cared for her and who didn't? Could she ever allow herself to love with a love so deep, none of this would matter? She didn't know the answers to any of these questions....all she could do was lay there, quietly, and fall asleep...

Resurfacing

       Falling into an abyss of nothingness, blackness all around me...tears flood my eyes and stream down my face, but I still look up, up to the light I can see but a glimpse through the fog. A vice squeezes my heart as terror floods my veins, but I can't give up...I won't loose control for I am still strong inside. Wrapping my arms around myself, I bow my head...no words to say, just a whimper speaking volumes. I press my face to the cold ground and close my eyes, heart pounding in my ears. I listen in the darkness for an answer; no one really knows where I am but me....hurtful words fly my way, accusations of mistrust and anger, driving deep into my soul like knives, slicing at my heart leaving open wounds...I push deeper inside as the fog compasses my very being. Then out of the mist, comes an answer, an answer of care...I cry until I can't cry anymore, relief flooding my heart, cleansing my open wounds, healing me from the inside out. I choose to forgive, I choose to stand tall and resurface....

Random Thoughts 2012

       So much is swirling around inside my head at this present moment...I just returned from Ohio, my home-town. It's always refreshing to go "home" because while there I reflect on my childhood and always come home ready to tackle the world. I had the opportunity to really take a deep hard look at myself. I was able to take a walk one morning and really evaluate several things in my life and really seek God's face. I asked Him for some answers, and while He didn't answer every single question at that present moment, I was able to find the answers before I left.
       My heart is full right now. I look back at my life and am reminded of two traumatic things that happened to me and how I grew from those moments. While living them, I thought I wouldn't survive. I thought I wasn't strong enough to face another day. The desire to flee as far as my legs could take me was simply overwhelming at that present time. I remember the sleepless nights and the pools of tears, the heart-break and the feeling of abandonment. Looking back, I couldn't be what I am today without those instances. I don't wish what I lived for anyone else, and if I had to live it again, I think I probably would because they brought me to where I am today, strong and able to "stand against the whiles of the devil." Living those moments have not only strengthened me but has helped me with the residents at my current job.
       2011 was a year of many changes in my life. I reflect on the many things that transpired. It had it's ups and it's downs. I was able to influence many residents at the facility I worked. I realized one thing through everything...this life is not about me, it's about spreading the LOVE of God Himself. I couldn't have made it through some of the heart-ache without Him. I poured my heart into my job; while some just looked at it as a "job" I chose to look at it as a ministry. I look into the eyes of these kids and see a world of pain. I look at them and see that they are starving for love and attention. When I throw my hands up into the air, sigh a deep breath and want to give up on them, I realize that that isn't an option. They've been abandoned in some shape or form throughout their lives and don't need another "abandonment." This program has made me realize that I really want to be a therapist. I want to sit down with a person who is broken and I want to help them find the tools they need to not only survive but live again. I am at a point in my life where I feel I should have all of this settled, but then I look in the mirror and see that I still have the rest of my life.
       I can't say that I made "NEW YEAR'S" resolutions for 2012, but I can say that I've made some major decisions which I plan to follow through. I am 31 years old, and I am a firm believer in always setting goals and dreams to accomplish. I remember being in high school when everyone was asking me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I simply had a plan which I ended up following through with. I accomplished every single thing on my "list." I ask myself what I want to be when I grow up now, and I can come up with a list because I really have realized that while down here on earth, we really never "grow up." We can still be growing every day of our lives until the day we pass on. I plan to keep growing because to not grow is to become stagnant and stunted. I am reminded of an awesome saying I heard on one of my favorite movies, "Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it."